Getting to Know You

This is the title of my favorite song from the musical, The King and I. Even when I got to know more about some of the facts behind the movie version, I still loved it…..probably even more. Did you know that Deborah Kerr, who plays the school teacher Mrs. Anna Leonowens, didn’t do the singing for her character? Or did you know that Yul Brynner portrayed King Mongkut of Siam in both the stage and Hollywood versions? How about the fact that he was so buff in the movie version because he also filmed The Ten Commandments with Charlton Heston the same year (1956)? When Brynner discovered he would have to go without a shirt for most of the film and play opposite the muscular Heston, he began an intense work-out plan. I enjoy learning little tidbits likes this because it makes me feel closer to the people who are entertaining me.
This song popped into my head after a lady at my bank told me that she has enjoyed this column because she has learned more about me. Now I’m certainly not comparing myself to Yul Brynner, Deborah Kerr, or Charlton Heston, but I was very pleased that 1) she has been entertained by this column and 2) she feels closer to me. A fellow NW Iowa Jazz Band member told me how much he enjoyed my squirrel story and proceeded to tell me his favorite kind of squirrel. I recently attended a party at the MT Vault where several people told me how much they’ve enjoyed reading this column. I am gratified by all this feedback, and I realize now that this column has become a channel for us to get to know each other. Even though I’m the one who starts by sharing a moment, this column has become a conversation-starter, and once we’ve started a conversation we begin a relationship.
My students are studying these concepts right now as we talk about interpersonal communication and relationships. They recently completed their first speech assignment introducing themselves to each other and to me for the purpose of having closer relationships. Before these speeches there was a lot of information about each of them that was hidden to the rest of us, but now it’s out in the open and we’ve built more rapport. And the only way to build a relationship is to open up, whether it be face-to-face, through letter-writing, the internet, or through a newspaper column.
My sister sent me one of those email chain letters where you first read the answers from the person who sent it to you, then you erase their answers, substitute your own, and email them to friends, family, and the person who first sent it to you. I was happy to see that I already knew most of my sister’s answers to questions like, “Four places I have lived…” and “Four movies I’ve watched more than once…” After all I’m her younger sister, and it’s always been my job to rifle through her life and personal belongings. But I was most interested to learn the four things she’s looking forward to this year. She’s a busy mother of two active little girls and works full time in Minneapolis so we don’t have time to talk as much as we used to. Now thanks to email chain letters I can learn what my sister and my mom and my brother and my friends have done, are doing, and are looking forward to doing. Some might think this a sad statement that I have to discover events in their lives channeled through a computer, but without this technology who knows when or even if we would’ve talked about these events.
I guess what I focus on more is that it’s wonderful to continue to learn about and be amazed by the people we grew up with or those we see on a regular basis. It’s doesn’t matter which channel we use to communicate, it’s just important that we do. Getting to know each other depends on it. Our health depends on it: physiologically, psychologically, and emotionally. Consider these facts about the importance of interpersonal relationships adapted from Adler, Rosenfeld, and Proctor’s 2004 book, Interplay: The Process of Interpersonal Communication:
ü People who lack strong relationships have two to three times the risk of early death, regardless of whether they smoke, drink alcoholic beverages, or exercise regularly.
ü Terminal cancer strikes socially isolated people more often than those who have close personal relationships.
ü Without strong social networks, divorced, separated, and widowed people are five to ten times more likely to need mental hospitalization than their married counterparts.
ü Social isolation is a major risk factor contributing to coronary disease, comparable to physiological factors such as diet, cigarette smoking, obesity, and lack of physical activity.
ü Socially isolated people are four times more susceptible to the common cold than those who have active social networks.
From this perspective, whether it’s face-to-face or through a computer, getting to know each other could be the difference between health and happiness and disease and dismay.