Ferreting Out My Dreams

I just finished the article, "What Did You Dream Last Night?" in the August, 2011 issue of The Sun.  I've also been working my way through the book, Native American Ways: Four Paths to Enlightenment.  I seem to be fixated on my dreams.  I don't think this is a bad thing, and, as both this article and the book point out, our dreams have something to tell us about our past, present, and even our future.  Probably the most important thing from what I've been reading is that we shouldn't ignore our dreams.  Guess that means I can't ignore the ferret that showed up in my dream last night.  Once again I went to my favorite dream interpretation website, www.dreammoods.com, to discover that "To see a ferret in your dream, symbolizes distrust and suspicion of others. The dream may also be a pun on searching."  The distrust would be how I'm feeling toward my ex-husband as he manipulates the previously agreed upon divorce settlement b/c he didn't like how he would be getting his half of my retirement account.  The searching interpretation for the ferret would definitely be that each day since my cancer diagnosis, I try to search for ways to keep myself physically, emotionally, spiritually, and intellectually healthy and balanced.  Unfortunately that balancing act has left me paralyzed in accomplishing any major task beyond the necessities today.  But I refuse to feel guilty about sitting on the couch all afternoon watching On Demand episodes of Necessary Roughness and Royal Pains.  Even before my cancer diagnosis I had to have down times to recharge my batteries.  I'm going to look upon this as just that, a recharging day.  Maybe there's even a third interpretation for my ferret dream: I'm searching for someone to trust, and that person is me.  I have to trust that I'm doing exactly what I need to be doing right now and not searching for something that I think I should be doing b/c it's what's expected.

What Next

One week ago I was given the news that I have B-Cell Lymphoma.  The worst part about such a diagnosis is telling others.  I'm not afraid to die, but I'm afraid of others' sympathy.  I can be strong as long as others don't give me those sad looks and sorrowful tones.  This is why I greatly appreciated my older daughter's reaction when I told her.  After a few tears and a big hug she said, "What next?"  I'm so proud of her attitude in focusing forward on the next step in this process, and it's an attitude she's come by in her own struggle with Crohn's Disease.  For the past seven years since her diagnosis, we've just focused on one surgery at a time, one new drug at a time.  I realize the phrase, "What next," can be interpreted at least two different ways. As a statement of frustration I could be saying, "I survived a brain aneurysm and kidney cancer, my daughter has a chronic illness, my mother is dead, my marriage of almost 19 years has ended, and now I have cancer again.  What next."  Or the phrase could be a question.  "Okay, I have cancer again so what next?  What's the next step in beating this?"  When I told my younger daughter that I again have cancer, she immediately went to the Internet to find more information.  She basically took the same attitude of focusing on the next step, which, for her, is finding out what we're dealing with.  I'm proud that I've raised my daughters to first think about what can be done rather than throwing their hands up to play the victim.

I'm assuming processing all the emotions of this past week caused me to have a very vivid dream last night. I dreamt my car had a flat tire.  Not just a simple deflated tire, this tire was ripped in half with things sticking out of it.  I decided to walk, but when I looked down the path I saw it was flooded in places.  When it was impassable, I bypassed the flooding, which took me to someone's patio where they asked me to identify a certain species of flower.  I didn't know, but I recognized that the same flower was blooming in another spot that had an identifying tag so I was able to help them.

I'm a believer in dream interpretation so I went to http://www.dreammoods.com/ for some guidance.  According to this site, "To see or dream that you have a flat tire, indicates that you are feeling emotionally drained and weary. Your goals are temporarily hindered and as a result, you are unable to progress any further."  That pretty much nails the way I'm feeling.  I won't meet with the hematologist at Mayo until August 9th so I'm not looking too far into the future until I know what I'm dealing with. The flooded roadway is also significant, and apparently it makes a difference whether the flood waters are raging or gentle.  According to Dream Moods, "To see a gentle flood in your dream, indicates that your worries over a certain matter will soon be swept away."  I also think it's significant that I found an alternate route rather than just feeling stuck and stranded.  While I wait to see the doctors, I'm being proactive by increasing my Vitamin C intake to 10,000 mg per day.  I orded the book, Life Over Cancer: the Block Center Program for Integrative Cancer Treatment, and I also ordered some barley grass tablets.  I've never been a "wait-and-see" person so I'm always going to look for an alternate route, which I think is also represented in my dream by me looking for a way to identify a flower I didn't know and walking when I discovered  I had a flat tire.  My aunt Jean called this time right now a "bump in the road," which is probably what gave me the flat tire.

A Mother's Arms

I dreamt about my mom last night.  She's been gone for over a year-and-a-half, but I saw her in my dream as clearly as I'm seeing this computer screen.  And not only did I see her, but I felt her arms around me as she gave me a huge hug while I sobbed into her shoulder.  In that moment I felt loved and comforted and cared for.  I think we always need our mothers, no matter how old we get and whether they're living or dead. 

It's been a stressful week.  My older daughter had her tonsils out on Monday so I've been caring for her.  My neighbors down the street asked me to take care of their flower gardens and yard while they're on vacation so this involves at least an hour each day, while tending to my own yard and gardens.  Oh, and their yard was selected "Yard of the Month" so I can't screw it up.  I've had to drive my younger daughter to and from work these last four nights, which takes about two hours out of each day.  Apparently I was feeling more stressed and anxious than I realized b/c there Mom was, smiling w/ outstretched arms, just as I saw her so many times when she was alive. 

Several times a day during his past week I've recited the mantra, "May I be well. May I be happy. May I be free from suffering. May I make progress."  Maybe the mantra brought me Mom.