Day 66 -- Silence Speaks Volumes

I have cancer, and I'm scared.  It's easy to be sunshine and roses when you're feeling good, but I don't feel good.  My ears and throat are hurting again, and I'm tired.  And when I don't feel well, I distance myself from others.  My younger daughter took this to mean I was mad at her.  She came down to my bedroom just a little bit ago in tears, worried that the cancer was making me not feel well.  I said, "I don't think so," but I really don't know, and that's what scares me and worries her.  I wish I could've sounded more convincing.  She asked if I thought I'd need chemo if the Rituximab treatments didn't work.  I said, "I don't know.  I'll know more next week when I have new CT's."  So many unknowns.  So much waiting w/ so many unknowns.  She snuggled w/ me and cried w/ me and apologized to me for not being more help around the house.  She's a busy, 15-year-old, sophomore in high school so I don't expect her to have time to help, but it was nice to hear her acknowledge all the work I do.  There's so many things I wanted to say while we snuggled but couldn't b/c I couldn't sound strong while choking back tears.  Maybe that's what I ultimately told her in the silence, her cradled in my arm.   You don't always have to be strong.  You can be scared.  You're human.  And sometimes silences speaks volumes.