Day 77 -- Another Thankful Thanksgiving Meal

A good night's sleep and good food helps smooth over hard feelings and ruffled feathers.  Chronic pain and illness can also be at the root of tempers flaring.  My brother has Fibromyalgia, giving him constant pain, especially after he's had the pressure-point injections, which he had just a few days ago.  My older daughter has Crohn's Disease and has recently been on a low-dosage of Prednisone to clear-up some mouth sores.  Part of her flaring temper was due to this flare-up of Crohn's and a small case of roid-rage.  I think we also understand that no matter how dysfunctional this family is, it's the only one we have.  Maybe that's how we got to this point of not discussing controversial topics b/c rather than spending our time together w/ a friendly debate, we'd spend it in different rooms.  Rather pointless to get together just to spend it apart. 

We managed to have a lovely day celebrating our Thanksgiving along w/ my other brother, his wife, and their youngest son.  We also put up a Christmas tree and other decorations for Dad. This will only be the second Christmas since Mom passed.  He said he didn't want a tree and teases that he'll have to get ready for bed five minutes earlier just to shut off all the decorative lights, but I think he appreciates the fuss.  Enough time has passed that he can look w/ less sadness at the decorations that Mom lovingly put out every Christmas.  I, however, was a little sad in going through all the decorations and finding some from my childhood.  The red, felt reindeer w/ plastic gold antlers and the white plastic sleigh.  Ah, they just don't make decorations like that anymore!!  Mom never threw anything away.  She was a pack-rat, but a very clean and organized one.

I said something today, I don't remember exactly what it was, but it involved the future....how old we'd be and what we'd be doing.  I was elusive and non-committal, and my older daughter said, "Mom, you'll still be around."  I tend to just smile at such comments.  None of us, cancer-free or not, has any idea of what the future holds.  I think that's why the time I spent w/ the group of homeless people resonated so.  They hold no stock for the future.  They live for today, from one moment to the next.  Thankful for a warm meal and a comfortable chair.  I'm going to continue to work hard at eating well, exercising frequently, and boosting my immune system, but the farthest into the future that I'm looking right now is about 30 days. Guess I don't fully have the homeless person's moment-to-moment philosophy yet, but then I'm not homeless and pray that is one trial God won't put me through.

Day 55 -- Looking Forward to Now

No chance to be a grouch today.  My students were attentive.  My dad came to visit.  My younger daughter was a smash hit in the fall play.  She's been acting, singing, and dancing on stage since she was three, but seeing her tonight at age 15, she's a young woman.  And, whether she likes it or not, she looked like me up on that stage.  Well, me 32 years ago.  And I can still vividly recall being on that stage at age 15 loving it as much as she did tonight.

I've noticed since my diagnosis that I don't look forward as much as I used to.  In past years at this time of year, I'd be eagerly looking forward to Thanksgiving and The Holidays.  Now, I look forward to what each day has to offer.  Yes, cliche, I know.  Things are sneaking up on me lately, but I don't care.  I made pumpkin bars at 10:30 last night b/c I went to a concert instead.  My bathroom needs desperately to be cleaned, and my dad is sleeping in my room.....and I don't care.  For those who know me, these are extremely atypical behaviors.  I used to freak out if everything wasn't prepared and staged well in advance. 

I used to look forward to the changing of the seasons.  Now I notice the number of leaves on the tree and on the ground each day and cherish each day that doesn't involve snow.  I've always been a forward thinker, forward in the sense that I was always looking toward what the next week, month, and year had in store.  I can remember thinking when I was younger that I was a little girl in a big hurry, and I was always pushing myself to the next event.  That attitude has helped me accomplish a lot w/ my life, but now I don't want to look forward to anything.  I want to look for now.