Day Two--Emotionally & Physically Fit

If I was in an anatomy and physiology class right now, I could definitely pass the test on the lymphatic system.  I could personally identify the location of all lymph nodes throughout the body b/c I'm feeling every single one of them.  It's not really a pain, more like a dull ache; the kind you get when you've got the flu.  But I feel fine....fine enough to teach three classes today and play two hours of tennis tonight.  I'm at a good place emotionally too.  There isn't a day that goes by that I don't remember that I have lymphoma, but I certainly go for hours without thinking about it.  I'm sure once I'm in remission w/o the flu-like symptoms I'll forget for days, maybe even weeks and months.  When reality does hit me know, it's not like the reality I felt after Mom died.  That was like getting hit in the chest w/ a sledge hammer.  This reality-check is a soft-nudge to remind me not to waste time.  I wasn't always at this point emotionally.  Right after my diagnosis I cried......a lot.  All I could think of was only having 10 more years and how that wasn't enough time to see my daughters set in their own lives.  Now I see 10 years as the minimum, not the maximum. 

I stopped my neighbor in the street this morning while walking my dog to ask if he could stop by this week to give me an estimate on replacing my gutters.  I could tell he had been crying and was quite distraught.  When I asked if he was okay, he broke down saying that he was sick and might have colon cancer.  He drove away before I had a chance to offer any words of encouragement.  The response I hate the most when I tell people I have lymphoma is, "Oh, I'm so sorry, Mari."  Then come the puppy dog eyes and droopy face.  I tried not to do that w/ Mike, but I too said, "I'm sorry to hear that."  What I would've liked to have said is, "It's going to be okay.  Just take it one step at a time.  Don't let your mind race to every possible negative scenario.  The tears and fear are necessary, but then you have to move past them and use them.  Use the tears to buck-up your emotions b/c it's going to be a roller coaster ride for awhile.  Use the fear to buck-up your physical strength b/c the appointments, tests, surgeries, treatments are going to drain you.  Sitting on the couch solves nothing.  Trust me, I wasted several days on the couch, immobilized w/ tears and fears.  You just have to keep moving b/c if you stop, someone places a mirror under your nose and orders a headstone."  Well, he might not be ready for that last line, but I do hope he stops by this week so I can assure him he's not alone, and this isn't the end.