Day 51 -- Halloween Health

I'm gonna be sore tomorrow......Zumba started up again tonight.  I was pleased that I survived after sitting out from for five months.  I did notice that certain exercises that involved stretching my upper abdomen were a little uncomfortable, but I gave them my all.  Stretching my left arm was also slightly tight, but I forged on.  Glad I have a massage scheduled for tomorrow afternoon, but I'm definitely not getting another deep-tissue one.  I obviously have too many toxins in my body to be unleashed simultaneously. 

The only lesion giving me issues right now is the one on top of my right foot.  I have to really concentrate on NOT itching it b/c I'll start out scratching and end up dragging the top of my foot across the living room carpet. A rug burn on top of the lesion is not a good combination.  It's easier when I keep my mind and body occupied and distracted so it's a good thing I had little kids ringing my doorbell for two hours begging for candy.  The twin, 2-year-old vampires were definitely the cutest.   I must've really looked a sight after Zumba b/c all they could do was stare at me.....they didn't even notice the candy.  Maybe they were sizing me up for a midnight snack.  I have a few random lesions on my calves and thighs, but I think I'm on the downhill-side of this outbreak.  I have to quadruple my efforts for keeping a healthy immune system. 

Day 50 -- An Entourage of Leaves

An entourage of leaves herald us up the street.
They scratch and screech
To let the moon know we are arriving
Since no one is out driving.
The street lamp halos the yellow Birch leaves,
And makes me believe
I'm the royal dog-walker shuffling through fallen stipules
To create a pathway for her four-legged Highness who makes the rules.

Day 49 -- I'm somebody

My new phone is here.  My new phone is here.  I'm somebody.  Okay, if you haven't seen The Jerk, that won't be as funny.  I wouldn't say that I've felt like nobody these last two weeks w/o a reliable cell phone, but it has certainly dampened my sense of self.  I have now bought into the idea that I have to be completely accessible and able to contact anyone, anytime by talking, texting, or emailing.    How incredible to measure importance by the numbers of contacts and messages and calls, but checking an empty cell phone and not having a way to respond to the few that make it through is disheartening.  But now I have a Smart Phone so I'm somebody w/ a 3G processor.....I'm guessing that's a good thing.

Day 48--Holy Istic, Batman

I had my yearly checkup w/ my nephrologist this morning to talk about my hypertension and medication.  I don't know what possessed me to schedule the appointment for 8:30 when I have a 9:00 class....thought for sure my blood pressure would be through the roof, especially since it has been for the last couple of months.  But today it was normal.....well, normal for me (152/86).  As w/ each doctor I revisit, I told him what was new w/ my health.  I told him about the sinus and ear infections and outbreak of erythema multiforme along w/ the B-cell lymphoma.  His response was, "Your immune system is shot."  Thank you, Captain Obvious!!  Then he proceeded to tell me how he's  pursuing credentials in holistic health and how I should be getting to the root cause rather than treating all these various problems in different parts of my body.  He used the analogy of a plant who is mostly healthy but might have two brown leaves on completely different stems.  Modern medicine paints the leaves green rather than trying to figure out what the plant is being fed through the soil that might cause the sick leaves.  It was a good analogy, but I really understood w/o it, and by now I was running dangerously close to being late for class.  He did make a very good point when saying that Western medicine should be called alternative since most everything our healthcare providers provide is foreign to our bodies.  Our bodies are perfectly capable of healing themselves, given the proper environment, which is the way I think God intended it.  I would also like to get at the root of my immune deficiencies in a holistic manner.

This doctor's appointment was very ironic.  Three or four years ago, I had asked this same doctor if we could try some alternative ways to treat my blood pressure, and he responded, "Why would you want to change something that's working?"  Now when he's finally onboard to my idea of exploring options, I had no time to talk. 

Day 47 -- Productive Insomnia

I'm keeping tonight's post short since I'm operating on about two hours sleep in the last 48.  I don't know if it's the sinus medicine or not being able to turn off my brain, but I gave up the battle about 3:00 this morning.  For the next three hours I did four loads of laundry, emptied the dishwasher, mopped the kitchen floor, cleaned one of the bathrooms, and fixed one of the kitchen chairs.  So although I didn't have productive sleep, I was very productive in my wakefulness.  No more lesions have appeared on my right hand, but I have one on my left hand and one on my left, upper arm.  I know in the past these outbreaks have given me bouts of insomnia.  Whatever the cause, I'm exhausted.  Good night.

Day 46 -- Canker Sores on Steroids

Seventeen days ago I talked about the achiness that used to precede an outbreak of the erythema multiforme.  Well, I called it......about three days ago lesions began forming on the inside of my mouth that feel like canker sores on steroids.  I also now have five spots on my right hand.....that would be the pseudo-stigmata.  There aren't any lymph nodes in these parts of the body so maybe there isn't a connection b/w this and the lymphoma.  I know my body.  I just wish I knew how to prevent the outbreaks.  It could still be the deep-tissue massage that brought all these toxins to the surface.  I gotta stop analyzing everything and just go w/ it.  Excessive stress is the last thing I need right now.  It's a good thing my older daughter is studying to be a psychologist............she can keep me from going crazy.  I'm going to encourage my younger daughter to go into medical research............she can cure me.

Day 45 --

 I didn't sleep well last night b/c the steroid nasal spray made me jittery, and the antibiotic upset my stomach.  So I decided to stay home from work today to get some rest.  Good call on my part.  The achiness I've been feeling for the last few weeks is finally dissipating.  The only aches I'm feeling today are in my forearms from playing Foosball and ping pong Sunday night at the Youth Center. 

Day 44 -- Piece of Work

I love it when a crappy morning turns into a glorious day.  And a glorious day turns into a spectacular night for tennis.  Probably our last night of tennis for 2011.  I made the amethyst sunset burn itself into my memory, along w/ a few of Lisa's wicked serves.  Walking the dog afterward, I was in awe.  It's a good plan to have the trees turn at different times.....allows us to enjoy different colors at different times.  Allows us to get more exercise raking and mulching leaves.  What fun would it be if everything changed and fell at once!

Well, my crappy morning was due in large part to Verizon, but this too has passed, and I think I'm on the happier side of a new contract and phone.  My checkbook will be on the angrier side next month.  I went to the GP today; my achiness drove me to it.  I saw one of the new clinic doctors, and, like most other doctors, he was amazed to learn about all my health issues.  It's nice to know that at 47 I can still shock and amaze.  Of course, he might've been the most shocked when, upon asking to examine the lymph nodes under my arms, I just took off my blouse w/o waiting for a gown or his exit.  Good news......no abnormal swelling due to the lymphoma.  Bad news......I made the new, young doctor blush.  Having had every part of my body examined, tested, or put under the knife, I have no humility left.  Yet it's interesting........I wasn't embarrassed to strip off my blouse in front of the doctor, but the People magazine I was reading when he entered the exam room got dropped under my chair face-down.  I was too embarrassed for him to know I was reading such fluff and fodder.  Am I a piece-of-work, or what.

Oh, btw.....I just have a sinus infection and ear infection.  Wow!  A normal illness for once.  I'm so happy....like I said, a glorious ending to a crappy morning.

Day 43 -- Organized Religion from Chaos

The message in church this morning was about each person being an important part in the body of the church.  My younger daughter has been attending a Baptist church for the last couple of years so, and I've been joining her the last few months.  She's also tried out the Catholic, Methodist, and Presbyterian churches.  These have been her choices, and I've encouraged her to experiment.  I haven't actually been a member of a church in almost 30 years b/c I think it's more important to have a personal relationship w/ your God than a group membership at an elitist club. I believe organized religion has done some wonderful things over the centuries, but I believe it has probably done more harm than good by trying to force others to believe in a certain god in a certain way.  If we all just tried to like each other and help each other and do good things w/ our lives then we have lived up to the honor of being created in the image of God.

I wish there could be just one religion in the world.  I don't understand why there have to be Baptists and Methodists and Lutherans and Catholics and Buddhists and Jews and Muslims.   We're all humans with the same basic goal.....eternal life w/ our Creator.  I think it's quite "theiscentric" (just made that word up) to think that one religion or denomination has a corner on the afterlife or even the best rules for this life.  I'd like to try out all faiths before I die.  So far I've....
....been confirmed in the Presbyterian Church, graduated from a Lutheran college, played piano for a Disciples of Christ Christian Church, taught at a Quaker school, attended services at Catholic, Methodist, Unitarian/Universalist, and Baptist churches, and volunteer at the Calvary Gospel Assembly's youth center.  Just how many religions are there in the world??? 

People tend to go to religion in times of crisis......crisis like cancer.  Maybe that's why I've spent my life experimenting w/ different faiths b/c cancer has been a part of my life since I was four.  Haven't tried a faith healer yet.  I did play piano at a Baptist Revival in Texas once.  No snakes were involved. 

Day 42 -- Imperfections and failures

Why do I always feel like I have to accomplish something w/ each day?   I should consider it an accomplishment just to be alive.  That's my rationalization for sleeping most of the day and being a bum for the rest of it.   I did read a little, and in the October 2011 issue of The Sun (Issue 430), it excerpted Gandhi's All Men Are Brothers.  He said, "My imperfections and failures are as much a blessing from God as my successes and my talents, and I lay them both at His feet."  That speaks to me especially today and tells me to not be so hard on myself for taking a day off from activity and productivity.  Simply being alive is as much a blessing as accomplishing something w/ that life.  Well, I don't fully believe that, but it does make me human and that works for today.

Day 41 -- Common Cold

It's midterm break, and I spent it in my office grading.  That's what it's for, right?  Actually I appreciate this day for getting caught up and ready to face the second half of the semester.

My Mayo doctor got back to me today...actually it was yesterday, but I just got the message today.  Since I can't feel any swollen nodes, either old or new, and I'm not running a fever or losing weight, he's not concerned.  I guess I shouldn't be either.  He also said that I could see my GP just to double check my nodes and see if maybe I'm coming down w/ the simple, common cold or other infection.  I'm not sure I know what it would be like to just have a cold or the flu.  Aside from having lymphoma and hypertension, I've actually been quite healthy.  I can't remember the last time I stayed home sick.  I was down for a couple days after my first biopsy this summer, but I think they nicked a nerve when going in through my back.  I also think I overdid it after the biopsy.  So it was partly my fault.  I still have some of those pain pills.  Maybe I'll take one tonight just to get some deep, restorative sleep.

Day 40 -- Tempted, Tested, Tried

The number 40 has Biblical significance.  It rained for 40 days. The typical time for embalming was 40 days.  Moses stayed on Mount Sinai for 40 days.  Jesus was tempted by Satan for 40 days.  Jesus stayed w/ his disciples for 40 days after his resurrection.  Jonah told Nineveh they had 40 days to repent or they would be overthrown.  According to http://www.biblestudy.org/bibleref/meaning-of-numbers-in-bible/40.html, the number 40 appears 146 times in the Bible.....would've been cooler if it was 140.  Anytime anyone is tempted, tested, or tried, the number 40 is related, either in days or years.  I had my first cancer when I was 40. 

I didn't realize that today was my 40th post so I guess it's significant that today was the first time I called my doctor since I last saw him in August.  I reached a point last night when I couldn't stand to have my arms touching my sides.  The ache stretched from my armpits to my fingertips.  I didn't talk w/ the doctor, but the nurse asked me lots of questions.  "Have you done any strenuous exercising that could've caused a pulled muscle?"  NO.  "Have you been running a fever?"  NO  There is a possibility that the deep-tissue massage I had two days ago may be the culprit.  Massages are known for flushing toxins from the body, which is one of the reasons I wanted one.  So maybe w/ this 40th post, I can say that my period of testing is over.  I hope I passed.

Day 39 -- Cell Phone Freak-Out

I hate cell phones.........correction.........I hate cell phone companies.  The representatives who are supposed to know what they're talking about to help me make a decision about a new phone are complete idiots. Unfotunately I don't realize this until I'm done chatting w/ them online or on the phone.  Is there no one who takes pride in knowing how to do her job?  It's maddening.  How would my students feel if I knew nothing about communication and nothing about how to teach them about communication?

None of this is helped by the fact that the lymph nodes under my arms and by my groin are in complete uproar.  I'm back to taking Airborne since both of my daughters are now on antibiotics for sinus infections.  I have to be even more diligent about keeping my immune system up.  Since the lymph node in my neck is back to normal, I'm assuming my achiness has more to do w/ the cold/flu season than w/ the lymphoma.  I wonder if I should get a flu shot.  I think I'll drink a DanActive, make some green tea, take some Tylenol, and get ready for bed.

Day 38 -- Silly Thoughts During a Massage

I pampered myself today and got a massage.  I had the massage therapist just focus on my neck and shoulders since that's where I carry most of my stress.  She told me to tell her if she was applying too much pressure....it was close a few times, but I really wanted a deep tissue massage so I sucked it up.  At the beginning of the massage, I was thinking such silly thoughts while she was working on my neck.  Thoughts like, "Is it possible for her to dislodge the stainless steel coil implanted in my brain stem b/c of the aneurysm?"  I quickly pushed that thought aside and let her cradle my neck.  When she got to my arms, I wondered, "Is is possible for her to irritate the cancerous lymph nodes?"  I immediately dismissed that thought and melted into her touch.  Then I thought about the workshop I'm going to conduct w/ the massage therapy students in a couple of weeks.  "Can I deduct today's massage as work-related research?"  Finally, as my muscles unraveled, my brain followed suit.  I think I may have snored at one point.  I have another massage in two weeks.  I hope I can find the off-switch to my brain before then.

Day 37 -- Thoughts to the Universe

All I need is....
A comfy place to sit, a light by which to read,
And if I have nothing to read,
I'll write something with pen and paper.
And if I have no paper,
I'll tell someone my story,
And if no one stops to hear that story
I'll compose my inner thoughts
And throw them to the universe.
If no thoughts come
I'll just blog!!!

This poem kinda reflects that I don't have anything significant to say tonight aside from....I'm feeling strong.  I taught three classes, helped my younger daughter fundraise, fixed dinner, and played tennis.  The lymph node under my left arm aches occasionally, but it's not constant like it has been.  I'm taking only about four Airborne chewables a day, and I've stopped taking the Aspirin.  I never called my doctor.  Pfffttttttt (That's my written version of a raspberry.).

Day 36 -- Home

When I go home to my hometown, I say, "I'm going home."  Now that I'm back in my own home, I say, "I'm home."  When we die, we hope to go home to be w/ our Creator.  If "home is where the heart is," or "whereever you hang your hat" then I guess I have a lot of homes.  I'm very blessed......I'd be even more blessed if each home came w/ a housekeeper.

Day 35 -- Busy Day

The map I drew yesterday was a huge success for their travels today.  Despite all their teasing, they found my map to be very helpful.....so much so that my daughter wanted to keep it to show how much her mother loves her.

After balancing Dad's checkbook, doing some cleaning and laundry, and going shopping w/ my girls, I'm exhausted.  It's 8:30, and I'm headed to bed.

Day 34 -- Road Map

(Note:  The next three entries are all written on Sunday, 16 October b/c I was at my dad's for day 34 and 35, and he has no Internet.)

My daughters and I and one of their boyfriends are at my dad's this weekend.  We drove two separate vehicles so my younger daughter and her boyfriend could go to the funeral of their youth leader.  Since the funeral is about an hour and a half from my dad's, I drew them a map.....a three page map that included both highways, towns, arrows for proper direction, and then written driving directions.   They laughed at me for making such an elaborate map, but I feel much better sending a 15- and 16-year-old out on the open road w/ a detailed, Mom-map.  Makes me think that I should be leaving other maps and instructions for their future trips through life in case I'm not around personally.

Day 33 --Jennifer Battan

Just got home from seeing Jennifer Batten in concert.  She was Michael Jackson's guitarist for three World Tours and also toured w/ Jeff Beck.  She even played w/ Les Paul in his last public performance before he died.  This was an amazing, one-woman show featuring her original music in-synch w/ film montages.  She's an incredible guitarist w/ a stinging sarcasm that was a delight.  After her first set she did a Q/A time.  Some woman asked her if she'd ever been married, and she said, "Yea, but I got over that real quick." I was the loudest one applauding.  What I appreciated most about this artist is that she has moved forward w/ her music and her talent.  She's not relying solely on her fame w/ previous artists.  They may have given her her start, but she's still running w/ it 30 years later.  And she's evolving, incorporating the latest technologies in her films, music, and guitar.  She creates stained glass artwork and has three kilns in her garage.  She goes to Tokyo every April to teach music, and right now she's performing in Vegas w/ Cirque du Soleil--Zumanity.  Can you tell she really impressed me?  Enough that I got her autograph and asked her if she had a roadie.  She said she didn't on these solo tours so I asked her if she wanted one.  She asked if I was volunteering.....how cool would that be.....I wonder if she has a health plan???

Day 32 -- Do Spiders Get Cancer?

This morning I watched a spider lower itself from my kitchen ceiling.  (A quick Google search informed me this is called a dragline.)  My first thought was, "How does it replenish its thread?"  It moved astonishingly fast toward the dog's water dish, and I asked it, "Where are you going?"  Just then it flung itself into the water dish.  I guess it was thirsty.  Maybe that's how it replenishes its thread.  I continued emptying the dishwasher, checking on it every once in awhile to see if it was drinking or swimming.  After five minutes w/ no movement, I decided this was a suicide spider who had catapulted itself into my dog's dish leaving behind a perfectly good dragline.  The aged and infirm in some cultures willingly stay behind to face death alone rather than slow down the progress of the entire culture.   Was this an elderly spider who chose to euthanize itself?  Or was it creating a rope for other spiders to climb down?  I guess that's what the elderly do in any species....leave a dragline.  I replenished the dog dish w/ fresh water.  Can spiders survive in a sink drain?

My dear brother who reads this blog faithfully is concerned about my achiness.  Well, I can tell him that I have no aches today, and, as I told him on the phone, I think the healthy cells have defeated the sick cells.  I've talked in previous posts about referring to cancer in terms of battles and wars and the enemy, but I think in my case it's necessary for the standing army to push back the rebel uprising.  Do spiders get cancer?


 

Day 31 -- The Twitch

My left eye has been twitching all day, and it's driving me nuts.  It's not doing it as bad now, probably b/c my day is winding down, and I'm not having to read and focus.  I thought maybe the twitch is stress-related given I've reached a hectic time in the semester so I made an appointment for a massage.  She can't get me in until next week so I have to try other ways to relax.  I went to my daughter's volleyball game tonight, and she played well so that started the relaxation process.  Then I went to the Coffeehouse at the college and that continued the process.  Now I'm home and watching the end of Burlesque.  This is one of those movies for me that I just have to watch no matter how far into it it is.  Stanley Tucci is an absolute hoot.....he makes me smile in everything he does.  I need Zumba classes to start again.  My eye is still twitching but not as much so I'm thinking the only thing that will complete the relaxation is to get some sleep. 

Day 30 -- A side of cancer for everyone

A young man of 21 died this morning.  He collapsed while at work and died of heart failure.  He was a student of mine last year, and a youth leader at my daughter's church.  I remember him as quiet and gentle.  She knew him as loud and playful.  I vaguely remember him mentioning in one of his speeches that he had congenital heart disease, but that didn't slow him down.  My daughter said he played four-square w/ a vengeance.  I hope he was happy w/ the direction his life was taking.  I hope he didn't ignore warning signs.  I hope the rest of us pay attention.  We all face a prognosis of death; it's just a matter of when.  Cancer patients have an advantage when told how long they have to live.  Time can be cherished.  Good-bye's can be made.  I think we should all be cancer patients. 

Day 29 -- Longer than I realized

What an amazingly beautiful and productive Autumn day.  I actually got everything done on my mental to-do list.  After walking the dog at the lakes for an hour, I got groceries, made lunch, and mowed/mulched the backyard.  I really got a bug-up-my bum (both literally and figuratively...the flies and no-see-ums were ferocious) and used the air compressor to clean out the HVAC compressor.  Loads of laundry were sprinkled in throughout the day.  I made dinner...oh, and picked up my older daughter's room since she's been so busy w/ work and school.  I'd say my energy level is just fine.

On the physical side, an ache in my upper right thigh has progressively gotten stronger throughout the evening.  I didn't notice it during the day, but I've felt this ache before, and it usually proceeds an outbreak of the erythema multiforme.  I've dealt w/ these skin lesions for about seven years w/ the first ones appearing shortly after my hysterectomy.  After seeing three different dermatologists, who all dubbed the lesions idiopathic, I took matters into my own hands by seeking ways to boost my immune system.  That's when I started drinking soy milk and eating more garlic and drinking one DanActive every morning. I haven't had a major outbreak in about three years, and it was over a year since I had one lesion in the palm of my hand.  My nephew likes to tease me and call it my stigmata.  It may be that the lesions prefaced by the achiness has been the lymphoma all along, and I've been dealing w/ it longer than I realized. 
Keeping my immune system healthy continues to be my goal, and I decided to try the immune system booster, Airborne, to see if I notice less achiness.  I took one chewable tablet this afternoon.  I also decided to start taking an aspirin again each day to regulate my blood pressure.  I know, self-medicating is dangerous so I'll call my hematologist tomorrow.

Day 28 -- One more thing about last night...

One more thing about working in the concession stand last night......I told a friend about my lymphoma.  Looking back at it now, it seems quite surreal.  I'm standing behind the counter clasping her outstretched arms on the counter.  People are standing all around us, yet all the noise from the other workers and customers and the announcer fade into the background.  All that exists is me telling this woman who lost her husband to cancer and her daughter to a car accident within three months of each other.  Her husband worked at the college w/ me so I knew she would understand, and I knew I had to tell her.  I told her everything w/ a smile on my face, and she said, "You're really taking this well."  I should've told her that being around people helps, but then I'm sure she already knows that.

I drove two hours to watch my younger daughter compete in the state marching band contest today.  Driving down by myself, I felt rather punk w/ the lymph nodes in my arms, legs, and neck being riotous.  I tried very hard to focus on my breathing.  I've noticed that when I fully inflate my lungs w/ deep, purifying breaths, the achiness fades.  My guess is that the breathing slows my heart rate, which lowers my blood pressure (which has been quite high lately), which makes me feel less stressed, which then eases the lymph nodes.  I'm trying to keep my life as stress-free as possible, but it's not easy w/ two, active teenage daughters, an aging, widower father, and 110, panic-stricken college freshmen and sophomores.  Oh, and let's not forget an ex-husband who says he's still in-love w/ me and that I can't try to talk to him anymore b/c it only confuses him.  So, to my daughters who may someday read this.....the divorce may have been my idea, but him cutting off all communication w/ me is his idea.  Even now while writing this, my neck is starting to hurt again, and it was feeling so much better after my daughter and two of her band friends rode home w/ me.  This proves yet again that being around people kept my mind occupied, my heart pacified, and the pain nullified.

Day 27 -- The Proof is in the People

One of the joys of being the parent of an athlete is working in the concession stand at sporting events.  Tonight the softball team was responsible for the concessions at the football game.  Yes, I could've spent the evening drinking wine w/ colleagues, but working concessions had its benefits.  I got to joke around w/ people, telling a kid when he bought ten lollipops, "I'm gonna need to see some I.D. for those."  It's been a long week, and although I'm very tired, working with other parents and student/athletes for 2 1/2 hours brightened my mood and lifted my energy.  The proof is in the people.  Being social forces us to focus on others more than ourselves.  I had some achy nodes during the day today, but tonight they're fine.

Day 26 -- Poetry Reading

I went to a poetry reading tonight at the Pearson Lakes Art Center.  Anyone who has a love for writing, reading, or listening to poetry can attend.  We had a group of nine tonight........yea, obviously poetry still hasn't gained much in "pop"ularity.  I read my poem, The Hike that I posted here a few days ago, and I also read The Tulip that I wrote this past summer, which I'll include at the end of this post.  I then worked up the courage to read Breaking Point, which I also posted in this blog about 10 days ago.  I was doing okay reading it until I got to the very last line, "Away from the breaking point," and I broke.  It wasn't a complete breakdown, but enough to spark compassion in my audience, which then led to more tears.  Guess I'm not ready to hit the road as a motivational speaker.  This is why I'm trying harder to poke fun at cancer rather than empower it by being serious.  My tears were not for naught.  The poem did inspire one woman to ask if she could bring it home to her husband who has MS.  My definition of an activist is anyone who makes a difference, one person at a time.
My throat and ears have been hurting, and my left armpit lymph node is rearing its ugly head again.  Not feeling well certainly makes a person more vulnerable.  Is it wrong to wish for something simple like a cold?

Here's the other poem I read tonight:

The Tulip

Why does she keep cutting me down? 
Every time I push my way through all the crap, she’s right there to mow me over. 
That’s it. 
I’ve had enough. 
I’m not going to do it anymore.
I don’t need this shit.
I was just trying to liven-up the landscape with some color, to be that splash of yellow in a sea of green.  I don’t think she understands what I go through.
Waiting and waiting.
For months and months, I wait until all the elements are in place for me to make an appearance.
I don’t push through with a huge fanfare and a loud “Ta-dah!” 
I just inch my way up and out.
Then as soon as I start budding, she’s there, racing and roaring, sucking me up and spitting me out.
I just can’t do it anymore.
It’s too hard.
I don’t think I have it in me to keep trying.
I’ll retreat within, like always.
I have no choice.
I’ll wait, and I’ll hope, and I’ll plan that next time it will be different. 
Next time she’ll let me be. 
Next time she’ll let me do what I was destined. 

Day 25 -- New Old Friend

I reconnected w/ a friend that I haven't seen or talked to in about six months.  It feels so wonderful to have this person back in my life.  I hate losing contact w/ friends even though I have lost touch w/ many over the years and even though I know it's a natural evolution for some relationships.  I think another positive by-product of my diagnosis is to not take any relationship for granted.  Enjoy the company and companionship of people as much as we can for as long as we can.  I'm not going to lose sleep when relationships "go south."  I don't need that stress or that drama.  I'm going to try very hard to keep positive people in my life.

On a physical note, my lower back is "catching" again.  Sometimes when I bend over at the waist, I have a shooting pain that feels like if I don't catch myself from bending all the way over, I'll just break in two.  I've had this pain before when I had some problem w/ some discs.  I hope that's all it is, and that a few trips to the chiropractor will set me right.  Since Rituxin is also used for Rheumatoid Arthritis, I can't believe this back pain is a result of it.

Day 24 -- Co-Exist w/ Cancer

No aches or pains today.  I've got a lot of people praying and rooting for me.  There has to be a connection b/w the two.  I almost made it the entire day w/o thinking about cancer until I went to my daughter's volleyball game where their opponents hosted a "Pink Out" night.  Cancer awareness is good, but I think cancer acceptance is better.  I don't mean that we accept the inevitability of cancer, but that we accept it as a part of our lives, learn to co-exist, and move on.  Stressing about cancer only gives it a stronger foothold.

Day 23 -- Wine-Down

Pretty much pain-free today, but rather tired.  I couldn't play tennis tonight b/c I had a Patrons of Fine Arts board meeting.   Sitting in a 90-minute meeting exhausts me more than hiking for three hours.  I actually dozed off this evening while watching Part Two of Ken Burns' film, Prohibition.  Nothing personal, Mr. Burns.  I think the weekend just finally caught-up w/ me..... must've been all the wine at my first "Wine-Down" of the school year.

Day 22 -- Silence of the Nodes

I decided after my blue day yesterday I needed to silence the nodes.  I walked the dog for an hour around West Lake Okoboji this morning, and then took a two-hour hike in Fort Defiance this afternoon.  And, just as I did last Sunday, I wrote a poem.  Well, it's more like an epic b/c, rather than stopping to write only once during my hike, I kept my pad and paper at the ready and recorded my experiences throughout the hike. 

The Hike
by Mari Miller Burns

The sentinel keeps the hill from sliding toward the ravine,
And gives me a hand-hold to steady myself on the descent.
Scarred and broken, she still stands strong.
I continue downward, glancing back to say,
"Thank you."
A labyrinth of logs await
Fallen to test my resolve.

Another sentinel, his head decapitated by wind or illness,
Has at the base of his trunk, shavings that carpet the earth.
Refuse of the creature who calls the headless hull its home.
I reach the creek bed, a mere trickle.
Choosing to clamber over rocks instead of trees,
My pace quickens, my eyes dart to where my feet are to follow.
No longer looking at the woods around me,
My mission is to follow one rock to the next, playing
A game to avoid soaked socks.

An impasse.
Pause on a rock to take a drink of water from my thermos.
"Nothing personal," I say to the stream.
Chart my course over the deeper, wider, faster waters.
A mosquito distracts me or guides me, not sure which.
I stop to listen, but my mind races as fast as its wings.
I need a translator.
"If you're going to tag along," I tell it, "ride on my hat and keep quiet."

Two small saplings serve as hand-holds while I once again ascend.
A snake-like vine, reminiscent of Jumanji, has strangled a tree,
And lost its life in the process.
Baby steps now as I follow a trail downward.
A yellow-tipped butterfly glides gracefully without need
Of traction or hand-holds.
The trail is temporarily lost as leaf 5047 joins her sisters on the floor.
A baby pine has been mauled, its tendrils surrounding the scar.
The rut has begun.
That explains why that doe stared at me as if I were competition.

The vegetation grows dense and just when my claustrophobia threatens,
I come to a clearing and a fence line.
The harvest hasn't begun here yet.
The blue, bulbous water tower helps me collect my bearings.
The mosquito speaks no more,
But the rising welt behind my ear speaks volumes.
I've seen that tree before, that rock looks familiar.
Panic creeps low in my gut.
I'm like a horrid power point that just keeps looping.

A bridge.
I know that bridge.
Just beyond that bridge is a steep path that will take me to
Almost exactly where I left the scooter.
Stop on the bridge to gather strength
And a few more sips of water.
Again, nothing personal.

No way to zigzag
The trail is vertical.
The wind offers me encouragement
Or maybe a swift kick.
A white arrow on a tree confirms my direction.
The only way out is up.

A bird laughs at me while the thumping in my ears
Beats like war drums.
One last look as I catch my breath.
The mosquito's cousin just died on my elbow.
Reaching in my pocket for the scooter key,
My hand wades through the skins of civilization:
Snickers, Fruit Roll-Up, Hostess Donettes.
Other hikers before me are obviously illiterate.

Day 21 -- Blue Day

I was a little blue today.  It hits me at the oddest times.  I was cleaning up the kitchen with my hands in dish water when the sobbing started.  I know I said I'm not afraid to die, and I still feel that way, but I'm not ready.  This is where the spiritual side of me says, "Everyone has to be ready for God could call each of us home at any time."  But the selfish side of me says, "There's so much more I want to see and do and accomplish."  I know I have a very good chance of living a long life, but I had a few more aches today than usual, and that seems to make me more melancholy.  Although the lymph node on the left side of my neck is significantly smaller, it still aches, and now the lymph nodes in my groin and in my armpits have started hurting.   I just don't understand why they're aching more after four treatments than they did before I ever had any treatments.  I hope this turns out to be like it is when I rearrange the living room furniture.  I have to make a big mess before I get everything back in order.  The aching does seem to lessen when I'm moving, or maybe it's b/c I don't notice them as much.  I do know that playing in the dirt this afternoon and watching my daughter's marching band perform tonight were good medicine. Too much time inside my own head is dangerous.