Day 57 -- Composure

I almost wish there was a way I could've told everyone all at once about my illness, then maybe I wouldn't get sucker-punched.  After church this morning, a woman I've known for 12 years caught me on my way out-the-door and said, "I've heard some news about you."  Knowing full-well what she was driving at but needing time to compose myself I replied, "I hope it was good."  "I just heard you're divorced and.....," she couldn't even verbalize the last part.  Why can't people say it?  It's just a word.  Reminds me of the scene from St. Elmo's Fire when Wendy and Billy are at her parents' house for dinner.  Her mother, Mrs. Beamish, whispers certain words like cancer.  When she asks Billy how he met her daughter, he says in a hushed voice, "Prison."  So even though I've been feeling extremely well both mentally, physically, and emotionally, I had to whisper my as I began to weep when I sensed her pity.  I tried to take the smart ass approach like Billy, but it backfired.  Mostly b/c she wouldn't let me get away w/ the smart ass remarks.  So much for that defense mechanism.  We hugged.  She told me that I could call her if I need anything.  We parted.

Why do I have I have to be composed when talking w/ people about my illness.  I have no problem talking, and even joking, about having NHL as long as I initiate the conversation so it's on my terms.  But when others beat-me-to-the-punch, I've lost control and thus my composure.  Yes, I have control issues, which becomes especially problematic when dealing w/ a serious illness.  I haven't yet worked out my script for when people confront me about my cancer.  Yes, I'm a person who rehearses several possible scenarios and conversations before the interactions ever take place.  Call it staging or manipulation or pathetic, but communication is what I've studied and taught for nearly three decades so although I know the benefits of impromptu communication, I also know its pitfalls.  It takes me a long time to be able to just say what's on my mind w/o running it through the gauntlet of possible interpretations.

The minister this morning said that we can't truly live until we hand over the controls to a higher power.  I'm trying.  I can handle handing-over the big stuff like my life, but the smaller, day-to-day things are a little harder to relinquish.  I was told recently by someone I had only ever talked to on the phone that I'm very "guarded."  He turned out to be a jerk, but he was perceptive about that.  Probably one of the reasons I unleashed on one of my classes last week was b/c I was tired of guarding my emotions.  Sally tells Harry in When Harry Met Sally that he has to stop telling everything he's feeling the minute he's feeling it.  There has to be a happy medium b/w wearing my heart on my sleeve and putting a jacket on to cover them up.