Tuesday, December 13, 2011
Day 94 -- Living the high life
My daughter's colonoscopy and endoscopy went well today. No sign of blockage so another bowel resection won't be necessary. There is a lot of active disease, which they biopsied, and we'll find out the results tomorrow when we see her gastroenterologist. She slept in the hotel room most of this afternoon so I got a lot of grading done. I'm definitely less stressed than I was yesterday. We did some Christmas shopping tonight, and I get to sleep in tomorrow morning......a rare treat indeed. Not even a dog to walk. Living the high life.
Day 93 -- On the road again
I point my car east on I-90, and it just seems to know the way. The trip to Rochester tonight (12 Dec), however, took longer than the normal two-and-a-half hours. Having a daughter w/ Crohn's Disease means you learn very quickly where all the rest stops, convenience stores, and truck stops are along the way. It didn't help that she was preparing for the colonoscopy. All the stress of finals, illness, and Christmas took a toll on me tonight, and I got a little frustrated w/ her. She hates taking the MoviPrep solution to clean her out. I can't blame her....just smelling the powder made me want to vomit, and she was supposed to drink 64 ounces of that stuff. She was supposed to start drinking it while we were en route to Mayo so it had time to work throughout the night. Reasoning was pointless. Begging was futile. Crying was inevitable. We stopped at Target for Miralax. It's the only thing she can tolerate. So by the time we got to the hotel, I was completely worn out. I mean so exhausted that I couldn't even remember driving the last 25 miles. Not good I know. Thank God the car knows the way.
Sunday, December 11, 2011
Day 92 -- Never That Simple
Went to Little Swan Lake Winery for some lively music and lovely wine. Beautiful, balmy evening, and that's not the wine talking. Didn't have to bundle up while walking the dog, and I noticed that I wasn't suffering shortness of breath as I have the previous few nights. I had been attributing my breathing difficulty to the lymphoma, but maybe it was just the extreme cold exacerbating my asthma. Could it really be that simple?
My older daughter's health certainly isn't that simple. She's running a low grade fever that could be due to her Crohn's or the flu that's been going around or the wisdom teeth she has coming in. What we do know is if she's running any fever on Tuesday, her Mayo doctor won't allow the endoscopy and colonoscopy. If that happens it could be another two-to-three months before another operating room becomes available. She can't wait any longer. This has to be resolved NOW. The "wait-and-see" approach isn't an option for her.
My older daughter's health certainly isn't that simple. She's running a low grade fever that could be due to her Crohn's or the flu that's been going around or the wisdom teeth she has coming in. What we do know is if she's running any fever on Tuesday, her Mayo doctor won't allow the endoscopy and colonoscopy. If that happens it could be another two-to-three months before another operating room becomes available. She can't wait any longer. This has to be resolved NOW. The "wait-and-see" approach isn't an option for her.
Saturday, December 10, 2011
Day 91 -- Pictures, Calendars, & Shoes
Bill paying is depressing, and I was wallowing in a self-pity-party over all the extra expenses happening this month. It also didn't help that today is the two-year anniversary of Mom's passing. I called Dad b/c I knew he'd being having a tough day. During the last two years, he has made few changes in the house he shared w/ my mother for nearly 60 years. He has put pictures of her in every room of the house that he spends significant time. He's created a collage for the kitchen table so he can eat breakfast w/ her. On the sun porch where he spends most of his time, he has numerous photos of her at various times throughout her life. When dusting, I have to be sure to put them back exactly b/c he has positioned them so he can see her no matter which direction he looks. On the desk is still the December 2009 calendar with Mom's writing of her meetings and appointments. On each day she wrote either an "L" or an "R" to remind her which side of her stomach she needed to giver herself the shot. The letters continue on past her death on 10 December. Just last month at Thanksgiving he finally allowed me to take away her clothes and give them to Goodwill. But one pair of her shoes remain on the back porch, right where she took them off the last time. Each time I sweep and mop there, I move them but put them right back, just like the pictures. The pictures, the calendar, the shoes all stationary reminders that time passes.
I tried not to wallow too long. After all, I have a good job, a warm house, a refrigerator full of food, a loving family, good friends. Somewhere, someone is sleeping under a bridge tonight without any pictures of family or a calendar to mark time or a back porch to put his shoes.
I tried not to wallow too long. After all, I have a good job, a warm house, a refrigerator full of food, a loving family, good friends. Somewhere, someone is sleeping under a bridge tonight without any pictures of family or a calendar to mark time or a back porch to put his shoes.
Day 90 -- Thong in a Bag
Been busy living..... tonight (09 Dec) was my night to volunteer at the youth center. Middle schoolers can come from 7 - 9 and high schoolers from 9 - 11. It was a pizza and apple cider party so we had a lot of kids, but four hours has never gone faster. I get to play ping pong and pool and sing karaoke.....basically I get to act like a kid. Every adult should be volunteering at a youth center.
Before the youth center, I made a Walmart run, and, as I've done for the last 20+ years, I took my cloth bags so I don't have to use their plastic bags. When I got home and unpacked my bags, I discovered one of my thongs at the bottom. This could've been potentially embarrassing if the check-out clerk had pulled them out of the bag thinking that I had shop-lifted them. Fortunately she either didn't see them or didn't see a tag. I use these bags when shopping, but I also put dirty clothes in them when I'm traveling. This dirty thong had been in the bag since Thanksgiving. That's just as embarrassing as the clerk seeing them.
It feels like the lymph node in my neck is smaller. I know that I have less ear pain on that side. Getting those teeth taken care of seems to have helped.
Before the youth center, I made a Walmart run, and, as I've done for the last 20+ years, I took my cloth bags so I don't have to use their plastic bags. When I got home and unpacked my bags, I discovered one of my thongs at the bottom. This could've been potentially embarrassing if the check-out clerk had pulled them out of the bag thinking that I had shop-lifted them. Fortunately she either didn't see them or didn't see a tag. I use these bags when shopping, but I also put dirty clothes in them when I'm traveling. This dirty thong had been in the bag since Thanksgiving. That's just as embarrassing as the clerk seeing them.
It feels like the lymph node in my neck is smaller. I know that I have less ear pain on that side. Getting those teeth taken care of seems to have helped.
Thursday, December 8, 2011
Day 89 -- Dental Drama
I've been playing phone tag for the last two days w/ my older daughter's Mayo gastroenterologist who has ordered a colonoscopy and endoscopy for next week. She's in the midst of a terrible flare-up of her Crohn's Disease brought on largely by antibiotics for sinus infections and stress from final exams. One of the tests he wants to run before next week's procedures is a stool sample to check for bacterial infection. She's done this test well over a half dozen times in the last seven-and-a-half years, and each time the tests come back negative. When the nurse told me about this test this afternoon, I knew my daughter was not going to be happy. And I knew I wasn't going to have time to stop by the hospital to pick up the lab kit b/c I had a dental appointment. While waiting in the dentist chair for the left side of my mouth to go numb, I text my daughter to tell her to pick up the kit. Understand, she's completely unaware at this point about having to take this test. When she calls, not texts, I know she's not going to like what I have to say.
Here's the scene, I'm lying in a dental chair, the dental assistant is on my left wielding an air compressor-like device to blow away the bits of old filling that come flying out of my mouth. The dentist is on my right producing an unending array of drills that shriek in a variety of frequencies that fortunately are masked by the air compressor. No frequency, however, is high or loud enough to cover the sound of my cell phone ringing. It's my daughter. I reject the call. She calls again. I quickly tell the dentist what I have to reveal to my daughter. He encourages me to answer. As predicted, she is extremely agitated. I relay the message that she must pick up the stool kit and tell her that I'm in the midst of getting a filling. The line goes dead. The drilling continues. A tear trickles down the side of my face as the dentist apologizes for all the suffering my family and I have had to endure. They couldn't write a scene like this in Hollywood.
On the upside....when the dentist was numbing my lower left jaw, I felt twinges of pain in my left ear. When I told him this, he said some nerves are connected. Maybe it's not an ear infection or the lymphoma that has been causing the achiness on the left side of my neck. Maybe it was the cavity and broken tooth. Supposedly our teeth can be the root (yes, the pun was intended) of aches and pains. While everything was numb, I had no pain in my left ear or neck. Now that the Novocaine has worn off, the ache is back. As always, I'll see what tomorrow brings.
Here's the scene, I'm lying in a dental chair, the dental assistant is on my left wielding an air compressor-like device to blow away the bits of old filling that come flying out of my mouth. The dentist is on my right producing an unending array of drills that shriek in a variety of frequencies that fortunately are masked by the air compressor. No frequency, however, is high or loud enough to cover the sound of my cell phone ringing. It's my daughter. I reject the call. She calls again. I quickly tell the dentist what I have to reveal to my daughter. He encourages me to answer. As predicted, she is extremely agitated. I relay the message that she must pick up the stool kit and tell her that I'm in the midst of getting a filling. The line goes dead. The drilling continues. A tear trickles down the side of my face as the dentist apologizes for all the suffering my family and I have had to endure. They couldn't write a scene like this in Hollywood.
On the upside....when the dentist was numbing my lower left jaw, I felt twinges of pain in my left ear. When I told him this, he said some nerves are connected. Maybe it's not an ear infection or the lymphoma that has been causing the achiness on the left side of my neck. Maybe it was the cavity and broken tooth. Supposedly our teeth can be the root (yes, the pun was intended) of aches and pains. While everything was numb, I had no pain in my left ear or neck. Now that the Novocaine has worn off, the ache is back. As always, I'll see what tomorrow brings.
Wednesday, December 7, 2011
Day 88 -- Full of Crap
Even as I heard myself saying it in class today, I knew I was being a hypocrite. My students are in the midst of their policy debates, all of which have something to do w/ current Native American issues. I got on my soap box after one debate and lectured about changing traditions and that if we stand still, we die. Not exactly what I was harping about yesterday. All that pendulum swinging and moderation.........what was I thinking. I'm the frickin' pendulum.
Day 87 -- Too Much Government
(NOTE: I wrote this on 06 December 2011, but my Internet was down so it didn't get posted until 07 Dec.)
It makes no sense to me. Why do governments feel the need to tell people how to live their lives? State governments are waging war on obesity by taxing high caloric foods. I heard one expert today on Iowa Public Radio suggest that insurance companies should charge a higher premium to obese people just as they do to smokers or people w/ too many DUI's. Supposedly these obese people are costing me money....still haven't sorted out that line of reasoning. If they want to be fat and die an earlier death, then who are we to tell them that's wrong? Obesity could be the great equalizer that gets overpopulation under control.
Nigeria is trying to pass a law that would ban all public displays of homosexuality and make gay marriage illegal. All this in an attempt to reduce the number of people w/ HIV/AIDS b/c Nigeria has the second highest percentage of the African population w/ this disease. I guess that government doesn’t care that 80% of those infected are heterosexual. How can a government tell a person who to love and how to feel and w/ whom to have sex? We are a world of reactionaries that force the pendulum to swing to its complete counterpart and think this will solve the problem. All that happens is that the pendulum will come back w/ equal force to the other side, and w/ each swing it loses strength and momentum until ultimately it comes to rest in the center. When the pendulum rests at its center it wastes no energy. Its moderate stance allows it to remain in balance. Moderates are accused of having no opinions, no backbone. Yet eating in moderation and balance promotes health. Sex is exercise. Exercise releases endorphins. Endorphins make people happy. Sex makes people happy. What can be wrong w/ that? Swinging the pendulum to complete denial of certain foods or of sex only lasts so long and then the person swings to the other side and gorges on every decadence that had been previously abstained. Moderation is tolerance. Tolerance is moderate. Why can’t we learn to tolerate, moderate, and accept each other as we are? Why must governments define who we are?
My daughters and I want to get matching tattoos in honor of my mother. The tats will all be a sprinkling can, which she collected, and the handle will be in the shape of a support ribbon. We’ll each have a different colored handle and flowers on the can to represent her cancers, my cancers, and my older daughter’s Crohn’s Disease. My younger daughter is 15, and in the state of Iowa (in which I reside) and the state of Minnesota, it is illegal for anyone under the age of 18 to get a tattoo even w/ parental consent. These state governments are telling me as a parent what is best for my children. The state in which I was born and have lived most of my life, in which I have been educated, worked, and paid taxes finds me incapable of acting in the best interest of my children.
Governments have too much control, too much power. My government is supposed to be “of the people, by the people, for the people.” This person says, “Back off.”
It makes no sense to me. Why do governments feel the need to tell people how to live their lives? State governments are waging war on obesity by taxing high caloric foods. I heard one expert today on Iowa Public Radio suggest that insurance companies should charge a higher premium to obese people just as they do to smokers or people w/ too many DUI's. Supposedly these obese people are costing me money....still haven't sorted out that line of reasoning. If they want to be fat and die an earlier death, then who are we to tell them that's wrong? Obesity could be the great equalizer that gets overpopulation under control.
Nigeria is trying to pass a law that would ban all public displays of homosexuality and make gay marriage illegal. All this in an attempt to reduce the number of people w/ HIV/AIDS b/c Nigeria has the second highest percentage of the African population w/ this disease. I guess that government doesn’t care that 80% of those infected are heterosexual. How can a government tell a person who to love and how to feel and w/ whom to have sex? We are a world of reactionaries that force the pendulum to swing to its complete counterpart and think this will solve the problem. All that happens is that the pendulum will come back w/ equal force to the other side, and w/ each swing it loses strength and momentum until ultimately it comes to rest in the center. When the pendulum rests at its center it wastes no energy. Its moderate stance allows it to remain in balance. Moderates are accused of having no opinions, no backbone. Yet eating in moderation and balance promotes health. Sex is exercise. Exercise releases endorphins. Endorphins make people happy. Sex makes people happy. What can be wrong w/ that? Swinging the pendulum to complete denial of certain foods or of sex only lasts so long and then the person swings to the other side and gorges on every decadence that had been previously abstained. Moderation is tolerance. Tolerance is moderate. Why can’t we learn to tolerate, moderate, and accept each other as we are? Why must governments define who we are?
My daughters and I want to get matching tattoos in honor of my mother. The tats will all be a sprinkling can, which she collected, and the handle will be in the shape of a support ribbon. We’ll each have a different colored handle and flowers on the can to represent her cancers, my cancers, and my older daughter’s Crohn’s Disease. My younger daughter is 15, and in the state of Iowa (in which I reside) and the state of Minnesota, it is illegal for anyone under the age of 18 to get a tattoo even w/ parental consent. These state governments are telling me as a parent what is best for my children. The state in which I was born and have lived most of my life, in which I have been educated, worked, and paid taxes finds me incapable of acting in the best interest of my children.
Governments have too much control, too much power. My government is supposed to be “of the people, by the people, for the people.” This person says, “Back off.”
Monday, December 5, 2011
Sunday, December 4, 2011
Day 85 -- Beginning to Look A Lot Like Christmas
It's beginning to look a lot like Christmas. The four inches of snow we got yesterday has put me in the Christmas spirit. I started my day off w/ an hour-and-a-half of removing snow from my driveways, sidewalks, and the sidewalks for three of my neighbors. Once the snow blower gets going, it just doesn't know how and where to stop. My younger daughter's Christmas concert was this afternoon......she's so talented........she had a flute solo......I'm so proud. She has certainly blossomed during her sophomore year. I swear I just blinked, and she became a woman.
After the concert, I picked up a Christmas tree. This is the first year I've done it by myself.....my daughters said they care more about the decorating of it than the choosing of it. While getting the tree ready to put in the stand, I had to trim off some of the lower branches and cut off about three inches of the trunk. I'm very accustomed to using a bow saw, but I can tell that I've lost some upper body strength. I think this has more to do w/ being 47 than the lymphoma. I got the sawing done, but I had to dig deep. I remember this asshole of a teacher that I taught w/ at Urbandale High School. He said that women could never play football b/c we didn't have the stamina to keep pushing even when we had nothing left. I wish I would've had the courage then to tell him that he had no idea what it's like to keep pushing when you have nothing left until you've given birth. That's how I felt tonight cutting through that tree trunk. And when that three-inch piece hit the ground, I felt like I'd pushed out a baby, yet I still found the strength to lift it into the stand and carry it into the garage. Stamina, my ass.
My house is a mess right now as I'm cleaning and taking down all the things that will be replaced w/ Christmas decorations. This is the icky stage, but Mom always said that you have to make a mess to clear a mess. At this rate, my house should look gorgeous.....in about three days.
After the concert, I picked up a Christmas tree. This is the first year I've done it by myself.....my daughters said they care more about the decorating of it than the choosing of it. While getting the tree ready to put in the stand, I had to trim off some of the lower branches and cut off about three inches of the trunk. I'm very accustomed to using a bow saw, but I can tell that I've lost some upper body strength. I think this has more to do w/ being 47 than the lymphoma. I got the sawing done, but I had to dig deep. I remember this asshole of a teacher that I taught w/ at Urbandale High School. He said that women could never play football b/c we didn't have the stamina to keep pushing even when we had nothing left. I wish I would've had the courage then to tell him that he had no idea what it's like to keep pushing when you have nothing left until you've given birth. That's how I felt tonight cutting through that tree trunk. And when that three-inch piece hit the ground, I felt like I'd pushed out a baby, yet I still found the strength to lift it into the stand and carry it into the garage. Stamina, my ass.
My house is a mess right now as I'm cleaning and taking down all the things that will be replaced w/ Christmas decorations. This is the icky stage, but Mom always said that you have to make a mess to clear a mess. At this rate, my house should look gorgeous.....in about three days.
Saturday, December 3, 2011
Day 84 -- Snow Globe Patriot
I felt like I was in the midst of a snow globe tonight while walking the dog and staring up at the street lights. Like someone had shaken my world and then dropped me in the middle of it. How can snowflakes space themselves so perfectly. They're all exactly the same distance from each other. They don't come down in clumps, just single flakes equidistance. The first snowfall is always beautiful.....light, airy, silent. I'll be singing a different tune in February when it's the 71st snowfall.
I slept very, very well last night thanks to the brownies and a couple of gin and tonics. I had no aches and pains, and b/c I was well-rested, I got a lot of work done around the house. I just don't understand why this country feels it necessary to vilify a substance that can promote sleep, appetite, and happiness while lessening aches and pains. Instead we legalize substances that promote cancer and cirrhosis. Sure makes me proud to be an American.......NOT.
I slept very, very well last night thanks to the brownies and a couple of gin and tonics. I had no aches and pains, and b/c I was well-rested, I got a lot of work done around the house. I just don't understand why this country feels it necessary to vilify a substance that can promote sleep, appetite, and happiness while lessening aches and pains. Instead we legalize substances that promote cancer and cirrhosis. Sure makes me proud to be an American.......NOT.
Day 83 -- Bluebirds & Brownies
(This post is a day late thanks to those brownies!!)
I saw two bluebirds in my backyard this morning. They were especially welcome since I've been feeling a little blue the past few days, and bluebirds have the mythological connection to happiness, good health, and prosperity (see http://www.absoluteastronomy.com/topics/Bluebird_of_happiness). So w/ them in mind I headed to my friend's house for some of those brownies.
I saw two bluebirds in my backyard this morning. They were especially welcome since I've been feeling a little blue the past few days, and bluebirds have the mythological connection to happiness, good health, and prosperity (see http://www.absoluteastronomy.com/topics/Bluebird_of_happiness). So w/ them in mind I headed to my friend's house for some of those brownies.
Thursday, December 1, 2011
Day 82 -- Tuba Christmas
Tuba Christmas makes me smile. There's just something about Jingle Bells played on baritone and bass brass that gets my toes to tappin'. Sharing it w/ my daughter and others at our historic Carnegie Library gets me in the holiday spirit. I wasn't, however, able to be completely mindful of the music while trying to get my daughter to stop texting and be more mindful of the music. "Mom, I'm a teenager," she said. "That's how I listen."
I took a pain pill last night and slept soundly so I'm feeling better. Still a little achy under my left arm. One of our proctors at the college, stopped by my office this afternoon. She just wanted to let me know that she had a friend w/ Non-Hodgkin's Lymphoma who lived w/ it for 30 years. She finally died of Alzheimer's. Yesterday my best friend invited me over for her super, special brownies. God certainly knows when to send us angels to lift us up.
I took a pain pill last night and slept soundly so I'm feeling better. Still a little achy under my left arm. One of our proctors at the college, stopped by my office this afternoon. She just wanted to let me know that she had a friend w/ Non-Hodgkin's Lymphoma who lived w/ it for 30 years. She finally died of Alzheimer's. Yesterday my best friend invited me over for her super, special brownies. God certainly knows when to send us angels to lift us up.
Wednesday, November 30, 2011
Day 81 -- Need sleep
Fell asleep on the couch..........feeling quite achy. Zumba didn't help. Might've gone at it a little too hard tonight even though I didn't do all the arm movements. Lymph nodes under my arms and in my neck are hurting the most. Need sleep.........................
Tuesday, November 29, 2011
Day 80 -- Mindfulness
I was back at Mayo Clinic in Rochester today, this time for my younger daughter, who saw a dermatologist. Yes, she saw my dermatologist. And, yes, I set up the appointment. I'm to the point where I know doctors in about a half dozen specialities at Mayo. I'm thinking of writing a "Mayo for Dummies" book!!! My daughter is fine, well, at least we know what we're dealing w/ and can treat it. She has Dermatographism, which is a form of Urticaria also known as chronic hives. Basically when she gets dry skin and scratches it, her body releases excessive histamines that result in hives. Some prescribed antihistamines and thicker moisturizers should do the trick.
After her appointment, we headed to the mall. Browsing the shelves at Barnes and Noble, I found the book "The Miracle of Mindfulness" by Thich Nhat Hanh. In it, he gives daily examples of how we need to be more mindful or conscious about our daily activities. For example, he said if we're washing dishes then we need to only wash dishes. It's not a time to be rushed through so that when we're done we can have a cup of tea. Or, if we're eating a tangerine, we need to only eat the tangerine. The man who absent-mindedly places one slice after another in his mouth misses the pleasure of its juices. I understand this concept. It's similar to the Be Here Now principle that I encourage my students to follow when they're giving their speeches. No matter what's going on in their lives, I tell them, all that matters is the seven- or ten-minutes that they're in front of their audience. So I decided to practice what I preach throughout the rest of my day.....to be mindful of what I was doing as I did it. So as I was driving, I was completely aware of the bright, beautiful sunshine and my sleeping daughter smiling beside me. Yes, she was smiling in her sleep. That's true contentment. I tried to be mindful while walking the down after we got home, but I found my mind wandering.....a lot. Wandering to what needs to happen for the remaining three weeks of the semester. What needs to happen for the two days that my other daughter will be in the hospital later this month for more tests regarding her Crohn's. I got so lost in my thoughts of the future that I completely missed the clear night sky and all the Christmas decorations. I wasn't walking the dog as I walked the dog, and as a result I missed the joy of everything around me.
I was mindful as I met Michael's family and viewed his body at his wake. I was conscious of learning that I had one of his sister's in my class several years ago. Strange that I wasn't aware of this before. A unique, last name like Wichtendahl should've resonated w/ me. I apparently wasn't very mindful when she was in my class, although as soon as I saw her in the church, I recognized her as a former student. I was extremely mindful as I looked at Michael's sallow, sunken face with the deep gash in his forehead that three weeks of healing and excessive make-up couldn't erase. He looked older than his 19 years and older than I remember him just three weeks ago. I'm not sure going to the wake was a good idea b/c now, instead of his goofy grin, I see his stoic face. They didn't even try to give him a smile. I remember the mortician didn't give my mom a smile either. People who smile all the time in life should be shown smiling in death. I want to be cremated with my ashes thrown from a lighthouse. Anyone who needs to see my dead body for reality to sink in should get to me before the incinerator does. Michael was wearing one of his favorite caps w/ sunglasses resting on the bill, just as I'd seen him wear three days a week for two months. That made me smile. They also had a video he made playing in the vestibule. He was lip-singing to the song, "Don't Worry, Be Happy." That made me laugh.
After her appointment, we headed to the mall. Browsing the shelves at Barnes and Noble, I found the book "The Miracle of Mindfulness" by Thich Nhat Hanh. In it, he gives daily examples of how we need to be more mindful or conscious about our daily activities. For example, he said if we're washing dishes then we need to only wash dishes. It's not a time to be rushed through so that when we're done we can have a cup of tea. Or, if we're eating a tangerine, we need to only eat the tangerine. The man who absent-mindedly places one slice after another in his mouth misses the pleasure of its juices. I understand this concept. It's similar to the Be Here Now principle that I encourage my students to follow when they're giving their speeches. No matter what's going on in their lives, I tell them, all that matters is the seven- or ten-minutes that they're in front of their audience. So I decided to practice what I preach throughout the rest of my day.....to be mindful of what I was doing as I did it. So as I was driving, I was completely aware of the bright, beautiful sunshine and my sleeping daughter smiling beside me. Yes, she was smiling in her sleep. That's true contentment. I tried to be mindful while walking the down after we got home, but I found my mind wandering.....a lot. Wandering to what needs to happen for the remaining three weeks of the semester. What needs to happen for the two days that my other daughter will be in the hospital later this month for more tests regarding her Crohn's. I got so lost in my thoughts of the future that I completely missed the clear night sky and all the Christmas decorations. I wasn't walking the dog as I walked the dog, and as a result I missed the joy of everything around me.
I was mindful as I met Michael's family and viewed his body at his wake. I was conscious of learning that I had one of his sister's in my class several years ago. Strange that I wasn't aware of this before. A unique, last name like Wichtendahl should've resonated w/ me. I apparently wasn't very mindful when she was in my class, although as soon as I saw her in the church, I recognized her as a former student. I was extremely mindful as I looked at Michael's sallow, sunken face with the deep gash in his forehead that three weeks of healing and excessive make-up couldn't erase. He looked older than his 19 years and older than I remember him just three weeks ago. I'm not sure going to the wake was a good idea b/c now, instead of his goofy grin, I see his stoic face. They didn't even try to give him a smile. I remember the mortician didn't give my mom a smile either. People who smile all the time in life should be shown smiling in death. I want to be cremated with my ashes thrown from a lighthouse. Anyone who needs to see my dead body for reality to sink in should get to me before the incinerator does. Michael was wearing one of his favorite caps w/ sunglasses resting on the bill, just as I'd seen him wear three days a week for two months. That made me smile. They also had a video he made playing in the vestibule. He was lip-singing to the song, "Don't Worry, Be Happy." That made me laugh.
Monday, November 28, 2011
Day 79 -- Michael
Enough already. A student, Jacob, informed this morning that his friend, Michael, also a student in my class, died on Friday the 25th. Michael had been in a serious car accident on 4 November and, according to his obituary, put up a helluva fight to overcome his injuries. Okay, I added the profanity. Michael would've appreciated it. I knew the accident left him paralyzed, but this news of his death was completely unexpected. I had no idea that he'd even been put on life support until Jacob told me Michael's family decided to take him off the machines. I know their anguish, but then Mom never should've been intubated at all. I hope they got a chance to say their good-bye's. To be present at someone's death is powerful.
Shortly after Michael's accident, I made a goofy card for the rest of his classmates and myself to sign. I have no idea if he was ever conscious enough to read it or have it read to him. If he did, I hope it made him chuckle. A few weeks ago, I received an email from the college's registrar that Michael's parents were petitioning for his grades to be finalized at that point in the semester. It was completely my decision, and I'm especially glad now that I granted that petition. I regret not checking w/ Jacob more often to find out about Michaels' progress, but the two of them were like peanut butter and jelly..........completely inseparable and an ooey, gooey mess. I didn't want to put Jacob through the questioning. Even today when he talked w/ me after class, he started the conversation by saying that he wouldn't be in class on Wednesday b/c he'd be at a funeral. I had to then ask who had passed away. I'm not sure he would've told me if I hadn't asked. Maybe I shouldn't have; then I could keep imagining he was getting better.
I only knew Michael for about two months, but he was a charmer. He had a smile that was devilish and impish and sweet. The last image I have of him in my mind is him walking past my office and flashing that huge grin w/ Jacob two steps in front of him. That was a just a day or two before his accident. It was a cheesy grin that materialized quickly from a deadpan expression that somehow communicated sincerity. The two of them had been best friends since they were in first grade. Michael told us a story in his first speech about how he pulled down his pants and mooned his first grade class. They were fast friends from that point on. I regret having deleted the video of that speech. I asked the IT department if they could retrieve it from our Shared Drive, but the trail was cold. His family would've appreciated hearing what Michael had to say about his life up until this point. Michael would've flashed me that grin and then promptly said, "Hell, no."
Shortly after Michael's accident, I made a goofy card for the rest of his classmates and myself to sign. I have no idea if he was ever conscious enough to read it or have it read to him. If he did, I hope it made him chuckle. A few weeks ago, I received an email from the college's registrar that Michael's parents were petitioning for his grades to be finalized at that point in the semester. It was completely my decision, and I'm especially glad now that I granted that petition. I regret not checking w/ Jacob more often to find out about Michaels' progress, but the two of them were like peanut butter and jelly..........completely inseparable and an ooey, gooey mess. I didn't want to put Jacob through the questioning. Even today when he talked w/ me after class, he started the conversation by saying that he wouldn't be in class on Wednesday b/c he'd be at a funeral. I had to then ask who had passed away. I'm not sure he would've told me if I hadn't asked. Maybe I shouldn't have; then I could keep imagining he was getting better.
I only knew Michael for about two months, but he was a charmer. He had a smile that was devilish and impish and sweet. The last image I have of him in my mind is him walking past my office and flashing that huge grin w/ Jacob two steps in front of him. That was a just a day or two before his accident. It was a cheesy grin that materialized quickly from a deadpan expression that somehow communicated sincerity. The two of them had been best friends since they were in first grade. Michael told us a story in his first speech about how he pulled down his pants and mooned his first grade class. They were fast friends from that point on. I regret having deleted the video of that speech. I asked the IT department if they could retrieve it from our Shared Drive, but the trail was cold. His family would've appreciated hearing what Michael had to say about his life up until this point. Michael would've flashed me that grin and then promptly said, "Hell, no."
Sunday, November 27, 2011
Day 78 -- Dying Past
Home from my holiday travels. I'm always happy to return to my hometown, but each visit becomes a reminder that I have less and less in common with the places of my youth. And the connections became fewer w/ this visit as two women who I've known all my life passed away. It didn't help matters when my dad announced that he'd be the third. It's always been an "old wive's tale" that death comes in threes. He's 86, and he's ready to go. He's lonely. The two-year anniversary of Mom's passing is quickly approaching, and I think he has it in his mind that he would only have to live two years after her death. It's hard to be engaged in living when there's so much death, illness, homelessness, and poverty. Perhaps getting lost in the superficiality of Christmas will cheer me...
Saturday, November 26, 2011
Day 77 -- Another Thankful Thanksgiving Meal
A good night's sleep and good food helps smooth over hard feelings and ruffled feathers. Chronic pain and illness can also be at the root of tempers flaring. My brother has Fibromyalgia, giving him constant pain, especially after he's had the pressure-point injections, which he had just a few days ago. My older daughter has Crohn's Disease and has recently been on a low-dosage of Prednisone to clear-up some mouth sores. Part of her flaring temper was due to this flare-up of Crohn's and a small case of roid-rage. I think we also understand that no matter how dysfunctional this family is, it's the only one we have. Maybe that's how we got to this point of not discussing controversial topics b/c rather than spending our time together w/ a friendly debate, we'd spend it in different rooms. Rather pointless to get together just to spend it apart.
We managed to have a lovely day celebrating our Thanksgiving along w/ my other brother, his wife, and their youngest son. We also put up a Christmas tree and other decorations for Dad. This will only be the second Christmas since Mom passed. He said he didn't want a tree and teases that he'll have to get ready for bed five minutes earlier just to shut off all the decorative lights, but I think he appreciates the fuss. Enough time has passed that he can look w/ less sadness at the decorations that Mom lovingly put out every Christmas. I, however, was a little sad in going through all the decorations and finding some from my childhood. The red, felt reindeer w/ plastic gold antlers and the white plastic sleigh. Ah, they just don't make decorations like that anymore!! Mom never threw anything away. She was a pack-rat, but a very clean and organized one.
I said something today, I don't remember exactly what it was, but it involved the future....how old we'd be and what we'd be doing. I was elusive and non-committal, and my older daughter said, "Mom, you'll still be around." I tend to just smile at such comments. None of us, cancer-free or not, has any idea of what the future holds. I think that's why the time I spent w/ the group of homeless people resonated so. They hold no stock for the future. They live for today, from one moment to the next. Thankful for a warm meal and a comfortable chair. I'm going to continue to work hard at eating well, exercising frequently, and boosting my immune system, but the farthest into the future that I'm looking right now is about 30 days. Guess I don't fully have the homeless person's moment-to-moment philosophy yet, but then I'm not homeless and pray that is one trial God won't put me through.
We managed to have a lovely day celebrating our Thanksgiving along w/ my other brother, his wife, and their youngest son. We also put up a Christmas tree and other decorations for Dad. This will only be the second Christmas since Mom passed. He said he didn't want a tree and teases that he'll have to get ready for bed five minutes earlier just to shut off all the decorative lights, but I think he appreciates the fuss. Enough time has passed that he can look w/ less sadness at the decorations that Mom lovingly put out every Christmas. I, however, was a little sad in going through all the decorations and finding some from my childhood. The red, felt reindeer w/ plastic gold antlers and the white plastic sleigh. Ah, they just don't make decorations like that anymore!! Mom never threw anything away. She was a pack-rat, but a very clean and organized one.
I said something today, I don't remember exactly what it was, but it involved the future....how old we'd be and what we'd be doing. I was elusive and non-committal, and my older daughter said, "Mom, you'll still be around." I tend to just smile at such comments. None of us, cancer-free or not, has any idea of what the future holds. I think that's why the time I spent w/ the group of homeless people resonated so. They hold no stock for the future. They live for today, from one moment to the next. Thankful for a warm meal and a comfortable chair. I'm going to continue to work hard at eating well, exercising frequently, and boosting my immune system, but the farthest into the future that I'm looking right now is about 30 days. Guess I don't fully have the homeless person's moment-to-moment philosophy yet, but then I'm not homeless and pray that is one trial God won't put me through.
Day 76 -- The Lost Art of Discussion
(NOTE: I'm staying at my dad's, and he doesn't have Internet so I wrote this entry on the 25th of November and saved it on my laptop intending to post it when I returned home on the 27th. I'm still at Dad's on the 26th, but the gusty wind must be blowing in the right direction tonight.)
This morning while driving over the 11th Street bridge on my way from my brother’s to my dad’s, I thought of the homeless man I met yesterday and wondered if he slept under that bridge last night. After listening to my daughters and brother argue just now, I’m wishing I was under that bridge right now. My family has never been good at discussing issues. Discussions become arguments that turn into shouting matches. It comes from too many people thinking they’re right and not listening to others’ points-of-view. They feel that by listening, they’re admitting defeat. Of course, the root of tonight’s discussion-turned-argument is religion. My younger daughter has strong convictions about her faith, but my older daughter feels she uses those convictions as an excuse to be “holier-than-thou” and thus above the typical rules and reproaches. My brother then jumps in w/ sweeping generalizations meant to sting rather than advance any discussion. I just want my children and my family to be unselfish, help others, and accept all people, regardless of race or religion.
The typical pattern of argument in my family is to offer a jabbing remark and then walk away before anyone has the opportunity for cross examination or rebuttal. Questions are asked with a tone a condensation, “Do you really think being a Christian is an excuse for everything?” I’m not taking sides. I just want all sides to listen. Having a belief shouldn’t exile you from the group but should make the group stronger b/c you’re willing to state your beliefs. Why does everyone in a family have to believe the same things? I have friends w/ a wide variety of values and beliefs. Why can’t my family?
I don’t need to sleep under a bridge. My daughters and brother have all stomped off to different parts of the house. My older daughter has actually left the house. She’s 18. I can’t force her to stay and talk this out. Eleanor Roosevelt’s words are ringing in my ears, “Small minds discuss people. Average minds discuss events. Great minds discuss ideas.” Just when we’re on the verge of greatness in discussing the ideals of religious beliefs, we revert to smallness by talking about specific actions of certain people. Religion is about asking questions to get closer to the answers, not assuming you have all the answers so you don’t need to be questioned.
Thursday, November 24, 2011
Day 75 -- Happy Thanksgiving
I spent my first Thanksgiving in 19 years w/o my daughters. They continued the tradition I began w/ my ex-husband of going to his family so today I started what may become a new tradition of serving the homeless. I helped to prepare Thanksgiving dinner for about 20 homeless individuals at the day shelter, Cedar Valley Hospitality House (CVHH). It's a day shelter, which I learned today, is a place for the homeless to receive their mail, shower, use the phone, do their laundry, get a hot meal, and socialize. At first I was a little disappointed at such a small shelter. I had grandiose notions of serving hundreds of homeless, although why I would find it more satisfying to have more homeless people is perplexing. I quickly overcame such thoughts upon entering the house at 1003 Mulberry Street. The familiar smells of turkey and dressing greeted me along w/ new smells of loneliness and neglect. I found my way back to the cramped kitchen where Joni Hansen, the director of Hospitality House, and Dan, a former transient who is the only full-time occupant of the house, were madly moving roasters to balance out the breaker usage. The house has no stove or oven so all the food had to be prepared or warmed in roasters and crock pots. The rhythm of the house quickly revealed itself as the people who drift in and out of it on a daily basis adapted to each other's habits. A young woman asked if charging her cell phone would trip a breaker. It didn't feel much different from my own home, with people filling and unfilling the bathroom as I stood at the kitchen sink washing serving trays.
When we took a coffee break, I had an opportunity to sit with some of the transients. The first woman I talked w/ told me she had two children, 8 and 10, who live with her parents in a town about 20 miles away. This woman is very, very thin like someone who has given her body to drugs and too many missed meals. But her hands were beautiful. Long, slender fingers that nervously touched her face as she talked about her children. Later, just when we were about to eat, I noticed she was crying. I hugged her and followed her out to the front porch. She had just been on the phone w/ her father who said he only had six months to live. At first we sat in silence, her b/c of this devastating news and me b/c of the memory of such devastating news. I gave her silence, and then I gave her my story of being in a similar situation four years ago when we were told my mother only had two more years to live. I told this homeless woman, estranged from her daughters and parents, that at least we have the chance to say our "Good bye's." Victims of accidents have no such luxury. I have no idea if I helped or hurt. She left shortly after eating to visit her boyfriend at the psych ward in a local hospital.
Another young man I met who is bipolar has parents living 15 miles away. He'll probably be spending tonight under a bridge. He's been at the Salvation Army shelter for the last 10 days, and his time is up. He won't be able to go back there to sleep now for the next 60 days. He said under the bridge isn't so bad b/c you can climb up and sleep under the girders where you're out of the wind and rain, and the police don't bother you. He has a sleeping bag, and CVHH gave him two new blankets today so he felt pretty optimistic for the evening. He told me of the probation officer he first had ten years ago who is now retired and let's him keep his bags and backpack in her garage so he doesn't have to haul it around w/ him, and it's safe. She also pays him to do odd jobs around her house occasionally. Most of his meds are paid for through assistance programs, but two of them cost him $8.00 a month. It will probably only drop down into the 40's tonight, but colder weather will be here before he can go back to the Salvation Army. There's a Catholic shelter that allows people to stay for 21 days, but then they have to wait 90 days before they can go back. Even after the 90 days, if there's no beds, he can't get in. There's no waiting list. He has to check back there every day after his time limit is up to see if he can spend the night. Joni is a champion for the homeless. She tried several times to find a place for him to stay for the night, but alas there was no room at any inn. I guess the bridge will be his stable for the night.
These people were all very willing to talk w/ me about their past and present lives, but no one talked about the future beyond this evening. Futures don't exist. A man who has a car has no where to sleep tonight so he'll be sleeping in his car again. He once was a janitor in a factory, but he said he walked out after refusing to do something he felt was unsafe, and now they won't hire him back. He has a friend who owns a shed w/ a heater in it so if it gets too cold in his car, he can sleep in the shed. I think about all the walnuts the squirrels have stored in my shed. I don't have a heater for them.
There was another man from New York who watched Macy's Thanksgiving Day parade and recognized the streets. I asked if he'd ever like to move back. He said, "No." He has a factory job here that pays minimum wage. I told him about a story I heard last night about the new gold rush happening in Nevada and a young man who was making $70,000. The man who sleeps in his car used his cell phone to Google the current price of gold.....$1800 an ounce. We all laughed in amazement, but Nevada is too far away and too far in the future.
The chief of police showed up, not to harass the homeless but to help serve them. A very gentle and unassuming man, he brought his five children and one international exchange student to help. His oldest son is a senior at University of Wisconsin; swims on the college team; has a bright future. He was the only I told about my illness.
As I waited on the front porch for my brother to pick me up, Gary, a man who said he was tricked by a friend to come here from Virginia, hit on me. He asked if I was married, and when I told him I was divorced, he said he was looking for a good woman. I asked him if he had a job, and he assured me that even though he didn't, he had a lot to offer. I have to give him credit, Gary was the only transient I talked to who was looking farther into the future than just one night. Well, I'm assuming he wanted more than a one-night stand. I didn't feel even a twinge of guilt as I hopped into my brother's new Sebring.
When we took a coffee break, I had an opportunity to sit with some of the transients. The first woman I talked w/ told me she had two children, 8 and 10, who live with her parents in a town about 20 miles away. This woman is very, very thin like someone who has given her body to drugs and too many missed meals. But her hands were beautiful. Long, slender fingers that nervously touched her face as she talked about her children. Later, just when we were about to eat, I noticed she was crying. I hugged her and followed her out to the front porch. She had just been on the phone w/ her father who said he only had six months to live. At first we sat in silence, her b/c of this devastating news and me b/c of the memory of such devastating news. I gave her silence, and then I gave her my story of being in a similar situation four years ago when we were told my mother only had two more years to live. I told this homeless woman, estranged from her daughters and parents, that at least we have the chance to say our "Good bye's." Victims of accidents have no such luxury. I have no idea if I helped or hurt. She left shortly after eating to visit her boyfriend at the psych ward in a local hospital.
Another young man I met who is bipolar has parents living 15 miles away. He'll probably be spending tonight under a bridge. He's been at the Salvation Army shelter for the last 10 days, and his time is up. He won't be able to go back there to sleep now for the next 60 days. He said under the bridge isn't so bad b/c you can climb up and sleep under the girders where you're out of the wind and rain, and the police don't bother you. He has a sleeping bag, and CVHH gave him two new blankets today so he felt pretty optimistic for the evening. He told me of the probation officer he first had ten years ago who is now retired and let's him keep his bags and backpack in her garage so he doesn't have to haul it around w/ him, and it's safe. She also pays him to do odd jobs around her house occasionally. Most of his meds are paid for through assistance programs, but two of them cost him $8.00 a month. It will probably only drop down into the 40's tonight, but colder weather will be here before he can go back to the Salvation Army. There's a Catholic shelter that allows people to stay for 21 days, but then they have to wait 90 days before they can go back. Even after the 90 days, if there's no beds, he can't get in. There's no waiting list. He has to check back there every day after his time limit is up to see if he can spend the night. Joni is a champion for the homeless. She tried several times to find a place for him to stay for the night, but alas there was no room at any inn. I guess the bridge will be his stable for the night.
These people were all very willing to talk w/ me about their past and present lives, but no one talked about the future beyond this evening. Futures don't exist. A man who has a car has no where to sleep tonight so he'll be sleeping in his car again. He once was a janitor in a factory, but he said he walked out after refusing to do something he felt was unsafe, and now they won't hire him back. He has a friend who owns a shed w/ a heater in it so if it gets too cold in his car, he can sleep in the shed. I think about all the walnuts the squirrels have stored in my shed. I don't have a heater for them.
There was another man from New York who watched Macy's Thanksgiving Day parade and recognized the streets. I asked if he'd ever like to move back. He said, "No." He has a factory job here that pays minimum wage. I told him about a story I heard last night about the new gold rush happening in Nevada and a young man who was making $70,000. The man who sleeps in his car used his cell phone to Google the current price of gold.....$1800 an ounce. We all laughed in amazement, but Nevada is too far away and too far in the future.
The chief of police showed up, not to harass the homeless but to help serve them. A very gentle and unassuming man, he brought his five children and one international exchange student to help. His oldest son is a senior at University of Wisconsin; swims on the college team; has a bright future. He was the only I told about my illness.
As I waited on the front porch for my brother to pick me up, Gary, a man who said he was tricked by a friend to come here from Virginia, hit on me. He asked if I was married, and when I told him I was divorced, he said he was looking for a good woman. I asked him if he had a job, and he assured me that even though he didn't, he had a lot to offer. I have to give him credit, Gary was the only transient I talked to who was looking farther into the future than just one night. Well, I'm assuming he wanted more than a one-night stand. I didn't feel even a twinge of guilt as I hopped into my brother's new Sebring.
Day 74 -- Not a Passing Predicament
I was on the road Wednesday, 23 November, travelling to my brother's in Waterloo so this entry is a day late. I remembered at about 10:30 on the night of the 23rd, after I was snug in bed, that I hadn't done this blog so.....
I have to admit that today I'm still a little disheartened by my test results. I think a big part of me believed that I would have a miraculous recovery and this would be the end of it. After all, it happened before w/ my brain aneurysm and kidney cancer.....a couple of surgeries and that was it. The realization that this lymphoma isn't just a passing predicament and is something I'll have to deal w/ for the rest of my life, however long that might be, has hit me hard. Yesterday and today have been very similar to the first two days after my initial diagnosis in July. I have to get my head around this and make some mental adjustments. Yesterday's news isn't the end of the world. I'm a survivor. I just need occasional reminders.
I have to admit that today I'm still a little disheartened by my test results. I think a big part of me believed that I would have a miraculous recovery and this would be the end of it. After all, it happened before w/ my brain aneurysm and kidney cancer.....a couple of surgeries and that was it. The realization that this lymphoma isn't just a passing predicament and is something I'll have to deal w/ for the rest of my life, however long that might be, has hit me hard. Yesterday and today have been very similar to the first two days after my initial diagnosis in July. I have to get my head around this and make some mental adjustments. Yesterday's news isn't the end of the world. I'm a survivor. I just need occasional reminders.
Tuesday, November 22, 2011
Day 73 -- A Modest Proposal
If you expect the worst but hope for the best, you settle for something in-between. That sums-up my follow-up appointment at Mayo today and explains the dream I had about Mom night before last. My neck, abdominal, and pelvic CT's showed "modest" shrinkage of the affected lymph nodes with no new growths. Not the best news but not the worst either. Dr. Inwards, my hematologist, was hoping the four Rituximab treatments in September would've had a greater impact, but he gave me the option to wait-and-see or take the next form of treatment. Wait-and-see means not doing anything for the next three months and then running the same tests. Inwards said it's possible that since these tumors have been slow-growing for the last several years, the Rituximab just needs longer to work. The next form of treatment would involve the same Rituximab combined w/ low-dose chemo administered once every four weeks over a six-month period. I chose the first option, although I sense the second option will be waiting in the wings.
Monday, November 21, 2011
Day 72 -- Recurring Dream
On July 1st this year, my post, "A Mother's Arms," was about a dream I had where I felt my hugging me despite her being dead for over a year-and-a-half. Two weeks after that dream, I was diagnosed w/ Non-Hodgkin's Lymphoma. That dream was no coincidence. Mom was comforting and preparing me. Last night Mom was hugging me again in my dream. This time was slightly different b/c Dad was in the dream too. Near the end of the dream, I hit some type of button or switch, and the lights went out. Dad was so angry w/ me b/c when the lights came back on, Mom was gone.
Tomorrow I go to Mayo for blood tests and abdominal and pelvic CT's, followed by a consult w/ my hematologist, Dr. Inwards. I can't help but wonder if Mom visited me last night to once again comfort and prepare me.
Tomorrow I go to Mayo for blood tests and abdominal and pelvic CT's, followed by a consult w/ my hematologist, Dr. Inwards. I can't help but wonder if Mom visited me last night to once again comfort and prepare me.
Sunday, November 20, 2011
Day 71 --
Time has certainly been a theme of my entries recently. Time spent throughout the day. Time spent throughout my life. Time remaining. Time yet to come. Time waiting for my CT's in two more days to tell me how I'll be spending my time. That means time is spent remaining yet waiting. Maybe this blog is a waste of time.
Saturday, November 19, 2011
Day 70 -- Chim Chimanee
Feeling good. My regimen of Neti Pot, Tylenol, and Airborne seems to be working to stave off a cold. Aside from driving on some extermely icy roads this morning, my day has been quite relaxing. I had the rare treat of eating dinner w/ both my daughters and then watching a movie. I truly appreciate the blessing of spending a Saturday night at home with my teenage daughters.....certainly one for my mental memory book. I tried to make a fire in the fireplace, but I think there's too much build-up and nesting materials. I was able to dig some of the twigs out, but after setting off the smoke detector, I decided I'll need to call a chimney sweep.....I don't even know if there is such a person anymore. Where's Mary Poppins when I need her???
Day 69 -- Absorb, Blow, Suck
T'is the season......for leaves. Walking the dog earlier, I came upon three different men dealing w/ their leaves in varying ways. One man was roaring across his lawn on his riding mower absorbing the leaves in his bagger. Another man was blowing his into one large pile while the man across the street from him was sucking them up w/ a vacuum-like device. Since I didn't see any small children to jump in the pile, I'm assuming the man blowing will strike a deal w/ the vacuum-man. All-in-all, none of these men had to employ much physical labor to get the job done.
I fear as a society we're heading down the path of anti-labor. Instead of raking the leaves together and gathering them into a bag to be hefted to the curb, we absorb, blow, and suck our way into laziness. But to ease our consciences and please our doctors, we join health clubs to walk on a treadmill. We'll probably even get to the point whee we virtually walk our dogs on a treadmill in front of a rolling screen of scenery, allowing the dog to stop every 20 paces to pee on a virtual tree. Then that will evolve into computer chips implanted into our brains that allows us to imagine walking the dog where we imagine the dog just pooped on the neighbor's lawn, and I imagine I pick it up.
I'm feeling much better. Still taking the Airborne and Tylenol on a regular schedule. Didn't think too much about the lymphoma today except when I had to forewarn students that I won't be on campus next Tuesday since I'll be in Rochester for my appointments. Then tonight while volunteering at the youth center, there were new people to talk to and somehow the conversation always turns to health. So although I didn't dwell on my illness today, I wasn't able to just not think about it.
I fear as a society we're heading down the path of anti-labor. Instead of raking the leaves together and gathering them into a bag to be hefted to the curb, we absorb, blow, and suck our way into laziness. But to ease our consciences and please our doctors, we join health clubs to walk on a treadmill. We'll probably even get to the point whee we virtually walk our dogs on a treadmill in front of a rolling screen of scenery, allowing the dog to stop every 20 paces to pee on a virtual tree. Then that will evolve into computer chips implanted into our brains that allows us to imagine walking the dog where we imagine the dog just pooped on the neighbor's lawn, and I imagine I pick it up.
I'm feeling much better. Still taking the Airborne and Tylenol on a regular schedule. Didn't think too much about the lymphoma today except when I had to forewarn students that I won't be on campus next Tuesday since I'll be in Rochester for my appointments. Then tonight while volunteering at the youth center, there were new people to talk to and somehow the conversation always turns to health. So although I didn't dwell on my illness today, I wasn't able to just not think about it.
Thursday, November 17, 2011
Day 68 -- Walking in Someone Else's Past
Sometimes I feel like I'm walking in someone else's past. It's not really a DeJaVu, but a feeling like I'm walking through an exact place in the present at the exact time someone walked there in the past. It's humbling to think that others have walked the sidewalks and hallways and pathways and trails that I walk now. I wonder what they were seeing and thinking and feeling. I think that every place we go, we leave some of our energy, and the more times we walk the same sidewalks and hallways and pathways and trails, the more energy that becomes concentrated there. I feel that energy the most when walking in my hometown b/c it's the only place that has 18 years of my concentrated energy. After that I never lived in the same place for more than three or four years until moving to this town where I've lived for over 12 years. That would explain why I'm starting to feel that concentrated energy here b/c I keep crossing my own path and all the paths of those before me.
Wednesday, November 16, 2011
Day 67 -- The needs of the many...
I'm feeling much better tonight, both emotionally and physically. I started taking Airborne again this morning, but it's the dissoluble tablet instead of the chewable. I think the tablets are much faster-working. After just three tablets along w/ Tylenol each time, I'm feeling 100% better. The connection b/w good health and mental well being is astounding. When I taught high school, I did an exercise w/ my students where I gave them a list of values such as health, money, family, etc. and asked them to pick their top three. For these teenagers, health rarely made the cut. I have to admit that 15 years ago when I taught these high schooler's, I didn't place that much value on it either. Now I realize that health actually has to be the number one value otherwise none of the other values are possible. Without mental and physical health we don't feel like spending time w/ family or spending money or improving our intellect or worshiping a higher power. Nietzsche wrote his most famous works during a 10-year-period during which he quit his job, suffered poor health, and had little contact w/other humans. Then after a mental collapse, he spent the next 11 years in a semiconscious state before he died. He gave us some of the most astounding existentialist philosophies but at what cost. Spock may have been right when he said, "The needs of the many outweigh the needs of the few," but I have two daughters who need me in a very healthy and conscious state. So my number one value is health. All other values will fall into place after that.
Tuesday, November 15, 2011
Day 66 -- Silence Speaks Volumes
I have cancer, and I'm scared. It's easy to be sunshine and roses when you're feeling good, but I don't feel good. My ears and throat are hurting again, and I'm tired. And when I don't feel well, I distance myself from others. My younger daughter took this to mean I was mad at her. She came down to my bedroom just a little bit ago in tears, worried that the cancer was making me not feel well. I said, "I don't think so," but I really don't know, and that's what scares me and worries her. I wish I could've sounded more convincing. She asked if I thought I'd need chemo if the Rituximab treatments didn't work. I said, "I don't know. I'll know more next week when I have new CT's." So many unknowns. So much waiting w/ so many unknowns. She snuggled w/ me and cried w/ me and apologized to me for not being more help around the house. She's a busy, 15-year-old, sophomore in high school so I don't expect her to have time to help, but it was nice to hear her acknowledge all the work I do. There's so many things I wanted to say while we snuggled but couldn't b/c I couldn't sound strong while choking back tears. Maybe that's what I ultimately told her in the silence, her cradled in my arm. You don't always have to be strong. You can be scared. You're human. And sometimes silences speaks volumes.
Monday, November 14, 2011
Day 65 -- Grounded in Now
I've noticed the less I pay attention to time, the more on-time I am. Yesterday morning getting ready to leave my sister's, I set a general time of departure for 10:30 to give me an hour to pick up my daughter from her friend's church. Without really thinking about time, I took my time having coffee, visiting, packing, getting dressed. When I finally started my car and pulled away...........it was 10:33.
Even when I was a young, I felt like a little girl in a big hurry, like I didn't have much time to do what I needed to do. As a result I've spent most of my life wearing a watch and paying attention to time. A few years ago I stopped wearing a watch except at times when I absolutely have to....times like in class when I'm using the projector screen and can't see the clock.....times like when I was in Europe and on a tight schedule.
Tonight while walking the dog I realized how much I've been writing about time, both the quality and quantity of it. So tonight I resolved to only pay attention to what my senses told me of the moment. The sky was the soft, black velvet of the floor-length skirt my brother gave me when I was 10. The air had the crisp smell of dried leaves mixed w/ burning walnut from chimneys. The crunch of leaves as I see my friend Barb approaching w/ her dog, and we stand for 15 minutes catching up w/ each other's lives. All that really matters is now. The cold plastic of the retractable leash, my thumb poised on the button. Nothing to taste, just the dream of the roasted almonds and soy milk I'm going to have when I get home. Grounded in now.
Even when I was a young, I felt like a little girl in a big hurry, like I didn't have much time to do what I needed to do. As a result I've spent most of my life wearing a watch and paying attention to time. A few years ago I stopped wearing a watch except at times when I absolutely have to....times like in class when I'm using the projector screen and can't see the clock.....times like when I was in Europe and on a tight schedule.
Tonight while walking the dog I realized how much I've been writing about time, both the quality and quantity of it. So tonight I resolved to only pay attention to what my senses told me of the moment. The sky was the soft, black velvet of the floor-length skirt my brother gave me when I was 10. The air had the crisp smell of dried leaves mixed w/ burning walnut from chimneys. The crunch of leaves as I see my friend Barb approaching w/ her dog, and we stand for 15 minutes catching up w/ each other's lives. All that really matters is now. The cold plastic of the retractable leash, my thumb poised on the button. Nothing to taste, just the dream of the roasted almonds and soy milk I'm going to have when I get home. Grounded in now.
Sunday, November 13, 2011
Day 64 -- Listening to My Body
I'm finally back on track with writing these. Definitely feeling the affects of Yoga today.....very tight shoulders. Zumba would normally beat it out of me, but I have a board meeting tomorrow night followed by Jazz Band practice. I could always Zumba on my own.........nah!! I do find myself listening more closely to my body these days, trying to identify the root of an ache or pain. I can definitely trace the tightness in my abdomen to the Yoga and not the lymphoma.
After arriving home and picking up the dog from a friend's house, I did a different type of listening. I went to see Damon Dotson at the Little Swan Lake Winery. I'm really becoming a groupie, and I even got to play an impromptu duet w/ him....Damon on guitar and me on a wine glass. Sounds weird, I know, but the glass was perfectly pitched to the key of the song he was singing. So, with the heavy, silver ring I bought in Toulouse, France, two summers ago, I clanked my way into a duet. The audience cheered it, Damon said he loved the spontaneity of it, and I got a few minutes closer to my 15 minutes of fame.
After arriving home and picking up the dog from a friend's house, I did a different type of listening. I went to see Damon Dotson at the Little Swan Lake Winery. I'm really becoming a groupie, and I even got to play an impromptu duet w/ him....Damon on guitar and me on a wine glass. Sounds weird, I know, but the glass was perfectly pitched to the key of the song he was singing. So, with the heavy, silver ring I bought in Toulouse, France, two summers ago, I clanked my way into a duet. The audience cheered it, Damon said he loved the spontaneity of it, and I got a few minutes closer to my 15 minutes of fame.
Day 63 -- Two in a Row
I didn't forget to post on Saturday, I was just having too much fun. My sister and I went to a yoga class in the morning. I found muscles hiding behind muscles. We all then went to a wonderful lunch at the Red Stag in downtown Minneapolis, followed by a delightful afternoon exploring the Minneapolis Institute of Arts. I would need an entire week to fully appreciate all the pieces at the MIA. An intimate dinner party rounded-out a lovely day. Aside from answering a few questions about my health, I really didn't think too much about the lymphoma. That's two days in a row.
Day 62 -- Oops
I really pulled an "oops" for this entry. Staying at my sister's in Minneapolis for the weekend, I completely forgot about this blog. It could've been the wine, or it could've been visiting w/ my sister and her family, or it could've been other distractions, but I forgot to spend a moment writing about my day. It was a pleasant, "oops" in that I managed to not think about having lymphoma all day today.
Thursday, November 10, 2011
Day 61 -- Busy body
Well, speaking of busy.....tonight's entry will be short b/c I was very, very busy today and tonight. Today I managed to accomplish teaching two classes, getting a hair cut, seeing the eye doctor, buying groceries. Tonight I made two soups, a loaf of peanut butter chocolate chip banana bread, corn bread muffins, a salad, and dinner. With all that, I had to have added a few seconds to my timespace clock.
Wednesday, November 9, 2011
Day 60 -- Spacetime
Watching Nova tonight, I learned that time moves more slowly when it's in motion. Einstein theorized this, and scientists proved it in the 1970's. They placed one atomic clock on a jet airplane and sent it around the world and kept the other atomic clock motionless, in one place. The clock that didn't move was slightly ahead of the clock that was on the plane. I guess the lesson here is that I need to keep moving to slow down time. Silly, Einstein, I've known this all along. Why do you think I stay so busy?
Tuesday, November 8, 2011
Day 59 -- Planning for the Future
How do you plan for the future when you don't know how long that will be? I met w/ a financial consultant today regarding my retirement accounts. When he asked me where I saw my future, I felt I had to tell him about the lymphoma. He definitely wasn't expecting that to be part of my response. He stumbled and fumbled a bit and then ultimately returned to his scripted ideas of imagining that today I'm 47 and tomorrow I'm 67 w/o most of the financial obligations I have today. I told him I just want to make sure my daughters are provided for, and then I joined in on his back to the future game. I played along that I'll retire at age 67 and told him what I would like my income to be at that point. It's really a strange position to be in to plan for retirement when you have cancer....to be looking so far into the future when I should be making the most of one day at a time. I don't have a Bucket List, and aside from being more conscientious about diet, exercise, rest, and stress reduction, I haven't changed my daily activities. I go to work. I do laundry. I cook and clean. I enjoy my daughters and my friends and my family. I walk the dog. I go on hikes whenever possible. One thing that has changed is not stressing about taking my daughters out for Mexican food in the middle of the week or getting a 30-minute massage. But I think that has more to do w/ no longer having a husband who stresses about expenses than it does w/ having cancer. I've known numerous people who make it to retirement and then die in some bizarre accident or of a massive heart attack. I don't want to make it to retirement not having enjoyed the trip to get there. It was easier to make changes to my retirement plan today once I looked at it, one year at a time, knowing that I can adjust the plan next year. Planning for an uncertain future is easier if that future isn't so far down the road.
I should point out that the consultant said my financial future is right on track for me to retire at 67, but if I want to retire earlier, I need to start putting more into my retirement account now. So, do I save the money now to spend when I'm 62, or do I live like I want now and screw those last five years? I'm going w/ the latter.
I should point out that the consultant said my financial future is right on track for me to retire at 67, but if I want to retire earlier, I need to start putting more into my retirement account now. So, do I save the money now to spend when I'm 62, or do I live like I want now and screw those last five years? I'm going w/ the latter.
Monday, November 7, 2011
Day 58 -- Kick e'm when they're up, kick 'em when they're down
I have a student-athlete who is always upbeat and chipper, bringing positive energy to our class discussions. Today he was very quiet, down-in-the-mouth, and limping. When I talked w/ him after class he told me that he'd hurt his knee during a wrestling match over the weekend. I'm usually sympathetic toward my students so I don't know what possessed me to say, "It's easy to be happy when you're healthy, but a true sign of a person's character is when he can be happy even when he's not feeling well." That doesn't say much for my character to kick a kid when he's down. He was scared, and I chose to be philosophical. Shame on me.
Sunday, November 6, 2011
Day 57 -- Composure
I almost wish there was a way I could've told everyone all at once about my illness, then maybe I wouldn't get sucker-punched. After church this morning, a woman I've known for 12 years caught me on my way out-the-door and said, "I've heard some news about you." Knowing full-well what she was driving at but needing time to compose myself I replied, "I hope it was good." "I just heard you're divorced and.....," she couldn't even verbalize the last part. Why can't people say it? It's just a word. Reminds me of the scene from St. Elmo's Fire when Wendy and Billy are at her parents' house for dinner. Her mother, Mrs. Beamish, whispers certain words like cancer. When she asks Billy how he met her daughter, he says in a hushed voice, "Prison." So even though I've been feeling extremely well both mentally, physically, and emotionally, I had to whisper my as I began to weep when I sensed her pity. I tried to take the smart ass approach like Billy, but it backfired. Mostly b/c she wouldn't let me get away w/ the smart ass remarks. So much for that defense mechanism. We hugged. She told me that I could call her if I need anything. We parted.
Why do I have I have to be composed when talking w/ people about my illness. I have no problem talking, and even joking, about having NHL as long as I initiate the conversation so it's on my terms. But when others beat-me-to-the-punch, I've lost control and thus my composure. Yes, I have control issues, which becomes especially problematic when dealing w/ a serious illness. I haven't yet worked out my script for when people confront me about my cancer. Yes, I'm a person who rehearses several possible scenarios and conversations before the interactions ever take place. Call it staging or manipulation or pathetic, but communication is what I've studied and taught for nearly three decades so although I know the benefits of impromptu communication, I also know its pitfalls. It takes me a long time to be able to just say what's on my mind w/o running it through the gauntlet of possible interpretations.
The minister this morning said that we can't truly live until we hand over the controls to a higher power. I'm trying. I can handle handing-over the big stuff like my life, but the smaller, day-to-day things are a little harder to relinquish. I was told recently by someone I had only ever talked to on the phone that I'm very "guarded." He turned out to be a jerk, but he was perceptive about that. Probably one of the reasons I unleashed on one of my classes last week was b/c I was tired of guarding my emotions. Sally tells Harry in When Harry Met Sally that he has to stop telling everything he's feeling the minute he's feeling it. There has to be a happy medium b/w wearing my heart on my sleeve and putting a jacket on to cover them up.
Why do I have I have to be composed when talking w/ people about my illness. I have no problem talking, and even joking, about having NHL as long as I initiate the conversation so it's on my terms. But when others beat-me-to-the-punch, I've lost control and thus my composure. Yes, I have control issues, which becomes especially problematic when dealing w/ a serious illness. I haven't yet worked out my script for when people confront me about my cancer. Yes, I'm a person who rehearses several possible scenarios and conversations before the interactions ever take place. Call it staging or manipulation or pathetic, but communication is what I've studied and taught for nearly three decades so although I know the benefits of impromptu communication, I also know its pitfalls. It takes me a long time to be able to just say what's on my mind w/o running it through the gauntlet of possible interpretations.
The minister this morning said that we can't truly live until we hand over the controls to a higher power. I'm trying. I can handle handing-over the big stuff like my life, but the smaller, day-to-day things are a little harder to relinquish. I was told recently by someone I had only ever talked to on the phone that I'm very "guarded." He turned out to be a jerk, but he was perceptive about that. Probably one of the reasons I unleashed on one of my classes last week was b/c I was tired of guarding my emotions. Sally tells Harry in When Harry Met Sally that he has to stop telling everything he's feeling the minute he's feeling it. There has to be a happy medium b/w wearing my heart on my sleeve and putting a jacket on to cover them up.
Saturday, November 5, 2011
Day 56 -- Cast Party
I'm hosting my daughter's cast party. While 15 super-charged ,dramatic teenagers are acting-up, I'm downstairs catching snatches of conversations punctuated w/ uproarious laughter. I think I just heard them say something about "spoons." Theatre people are never a dull crowd. One of the other parents said to me after tonight's performance, "I hear you're entertaining the cast," to which I replied, "I'm just providing the house. They know how to entertain themselves."
I haven't talked much about my health lately, mostly b/c there's not much to report. I haven't had any new lesions for the last several days. I've been using the Neti Pot to cleanse my sinuses so I stopped taking the nasal spray as well as the antibiotic. I haven't taken an Airborne or aspirin for about two weeks. I'm trying some Greek yogurt in addition to my daily DanActive. I must say that I'm feeling pretty super-charged myself. My muscles have finally loosened up from Zumba so I'm not walking around like a 90-year-old woman.
My dog, Kea, just joined me in the basement. I guess even a dog can get too much attention. Hope they don't decide to start acting out The Wizard of Oz; Kea will be hiding under the bed. But there's certainly "no place like home," especially when it's filled w/ the laughter of show people.
I haven't talked much about my health lately, mostly b/c there's not much to report. I haven't had any new lesions for the last several days. I've been using the Neti Pot to cleanse my sinuses so I stopped taking the nasal spray as well as the antibiotic. I haven't taken an Airborne or aspirin for about two weeks. I'm trying some Greek yogurt in addition to my daily DanActive. I must say that I'm feeling pretty super-charged myself. My muscles have finally loosened up from Zumba so I'm not walking around like a 90-year-old woman.
My dog, Kea, just joined me in the basement. I guess even a dog can get too much attention. Hope they don't decide to start acting out The Wizard of Oz; Kea will be hiding under the bed. But there's certainly "no place like home," especially when it's filled w/ the laughter of show people.
Friday, November 4, 2011
Day 55 -- Looking Forward to Now
No chance to be a grouch today. My students were attentive. My dad came to visit. My younger daughter was a smash hit in the fall play. She's been acting, singing, and dancing on stage since she was three, but seeing her tonight at age 15, she's a young woman. And, whether she likes it or not, she looked like me up on that stage. Well, me 32 years ago. And I can still vividly recall being on that stage at age 15 loving it as much as she did tonight.
I've noticed since my diagnosis that I don't look forward as much as I used to. In past years at this time of year, I'd be eagerly looking forward to Thanksgiving and The Holidays. Now, I look forward to what each day has to offer. Yes, cliche, I know. Things are sneaking up on me lately, but I don't care. I made pumpkin bars at 10:30 last night b/c I went to a concert instead. My bathroom needs desperately to be cleaned, and my dad is sleeping in my room.....and I don't care. For those who know me, these are extremely atypical behaviors. I used to freak out if everything wasn't prepared and staged well in advance.
I used to look forward to the changing of the seasons. Now I notice the number of leaves on the tree and on the ground each day and cherish each day that doesn't involve snow. I've always been a forward thinker, forward in the sense that I was always looking toward what the next week, month, and year had in store. I can remember thinking when I was younger that I was a little girl in a big hurry, and I was always pushing myself to the next event. That attitude has helped me accomplish a lot w/ my life, but now I don't want to look forward to anything. I want to look for now.
I've noticed since my diagnosis that I don't look forward as much as I used to. In past years at this time of year, I'd be eagerly looking forward to Thanksgiving and The Holidays. Now, I look forward to what each day has to offer. Yes, cliche, I know. Things are sneaking up on me lately, but I don't care. I made pumpkin bars at 10:30 last night b/c I went to a concert instead. My bathroom needs desperately to be cleaned, and my dad is sleeping in my room.....and I don't care. For those who know me, these are extremely atypical behaviors. I used to freak out if everything wasn't prepared and staged well in advance.
I used to look forward to the changing of the seasons. Now I notice the number of leaves on the tree and on the ground each day and cherish each day that doesn't involve snow. I've always been a forward thinker, forward in the sense that I was always looking toward what the next week, month, and year had in store. I can remember thinking when I was younger that I was a little girl in a big hurry, and I was always pushing myself to the next event. That attitude has helped me accomplish a lot w/ my life, but now I don't want to look forward to anything. I want to look for now.
Thursday, November 3, 2011
Day 54 -- Little Mary Sunshine
Some days I get really tired of being "Little Mary Sunshine." So this morning after an extremely frustrating nine o'clock class, I decided not to be..."sunshiny," not "frustrated." I walked down the hallways at the college where I teach w/ a scowl on my face and not looking at people, two actions that are quite contrary to my public persona. Two of my students walked passed me expecting a warm smile and greeting. Instead I stared straight ahead and said nothing. "Why should I be friendly toward you when you don't even have the common courtesy and respect to show up to my class," I thought. So I was feeling pretty good with this chip on my shoulder...very freeing not to feel constantly on display. Then two students stopped by my office to ask if I was okay....damn them. My chip started to chip. Then I talked w/ my friend Lora, and she made me laugh.....damn her. My chip now had lost a big chunk. Then I got home and listened to my younger daughter giggle w/ her theatre friends.....damn them. My chip was now a mini-chip. Then I went to a Damon Dotson concert.....damn him. My micro-chip dissolved. Maybe I'll try again tomorrow to be a grouch.
Wednesday, November 2, 2011
Day 53 -- Touching My Space
My presentation to the massage therapy students went really, really well. I think I actually came up w/ some viable and practical suggestions for them to make their clients more comfortable even on the first visit and thereby making the session much more productive. We talked about E.T. Hall's zones of personal space, and I suggested that they bring this stranger, who prefers the public zone, gradually toward the intimate zone. First, they would sit down in the socio-consultative zone and gradually introducing touch through pats on the hand and arm in the first part of the consultation and w/ a longer touch to the shoulder and upper back at the end of the consultation. Then while introducing them to the massage room, they would enter into the client's casual-personal zone that's typically reserved for friends. Hopefully, once the massage begins and the therapist enters the client's intimate zone, some of the tenseness and anxiety will have dissipated. It was exciting to talk about nonverbal communication in a practical sense while still applying theory and research. This morning helped me remember why I love studying and communicating about communication.
Health wise, Zumba was killer tonight since even walking up stairs sends my legs into revolution. I think by next week, I'll be in better shape. Since my nephrologist made me stop using the nasal spray b/c it was raising my blood pressure, I bought a Neti Pot to basically give myself a nasal enema. Very freaky concept to pour saline water in one nostril and have it run out of the other one. This is probably too much information so I'll simply say...... my sinuses feel wonderful, and the ear pain I've had intermittently is gone. Who knew that a little, plastic teapot shoved in my nose could bring such relief!!
Health wise, Zumba was killer tonight since even walking up stairs sends my legs into revolution. I think by next week, I'll be in better shape. Since my nephrologist made me stop using the nasal spray b/c it was raising my blood pressure, I bought a Neti Pot to basically give myself a nasal enema. Very freaky concept to pour saline water in one nostril and have it run out of the other one. This is probably too much information so I'll simply say...... my sinuses feel wonderful, and the ear pain I've had intermittently is gone. Who knew that a little, plastic teapot shoved in my nose could bring such relief!!
Tuesday, November 1, 2011
Day 52 -- Freedom
As predicted my legs were quite sore, but I forewent the massage this afternoon in order to finish the presentation I'm making to the massage therapy students tomorrow morning. I know....there's a bitter irony in that statement. I've known about this presentation for about two months, but somehow it snuck up on me.....I sound like my students.
I went w/ a couple of friends tonight to see a film called, Freedom that was supposed to be a documentary about freeing ourselves from dependency on oil, both foreign and domestic. It turned out to be more of a propaganda piece sponsored by Green Plains Energy, an ethanol-based company so it was a little disappointing, but it was interesting to learn some of the innovative ways they're working to harness the CO2 emissions created by ethanol plants. Anyway, it made for a lively Q & A time after the film as well as discussion in the car ride home. Friends have a way of taking away all aches and pains and worries. Family do too....especially when I get phone calls from my brother!!
My mouth is completely healed, and there are no new lesions anywhere on my body. YEA!!! Aside from the stiffness from being out-of-shape, I'm feeling great. I guess seeing the film tonight was quite prophetic......I have freedom from lymphatic achiness.
I went w/ a couple of friends tonight to see a film called, Freedom that was supposed to be a documentary about freeing ourselves from dependency on oil, both foreign and domestic. It turned out to be more of a propaganda piece sponsored by Green Plains Energy, an ethanol-based company so it was a little disappointing, but it was interesting to learn some of the innovative ways they're working to harness the CO2 emissions created by ethanol plants. Anyway, it made for a lively Q & A time after the film as well as discussion in the car ride home. Friends have a way of taking away all aches and pains and worries. Family do too....especially when I get phone calls from my brother!!
My mouth is completely healed, and there are no new lesions anywhere on my body. YEA!!! Aside from the stiffness from being out-of-shape, I'm feeling great. I guess seeing the film tonight was quite prophetic......I have freedom from lymphatic achiness.
Monday, October 31, 2011
Day 51 -- Halloween Health
I'm gonna be sore tomorrow......Zumba started up again tonight. I was pleased that I survived after sitting out from for five months. I did notice that certain exercises that involved stretching my upper abdomen were a little uncomfortable, but I gave them my all. Stretching my left arm was also slightly tight, but I forged on. Glad I have a massage scheduled for tomorrow afternoon, but I'm definitely not getting another deep-tissue one. I obviously have too many toxins in my body to be unleashed simultaneously.
The only lesion giving me issues right now is the one on top of my right foot. I have to really concentrate on NOT itching it b/c I'll start out scratching and end up dragging the top of my foot across the living room carpet. A rug burn on top of the lesion is not a good combination. It's easier when I keep my mind and body occupied and distracted so it's a good thing I had little kids ringing my doorbell for two hours begging for candy. The twin, 2-year-old vampires were definitely the cutest. I must've really looked a sight after Zumba b/c all they could do was stare at me.....they didn't even notice the candy. Maybe they were sizing me up for a midnight snack. I have a few random lesions on my calves and thighs, but I think I'm on the downhill-side of this outbreak. I have to quadruple my efforts for keeping a healthy immune system.
The only lesion giving me issues right now is the one on top of my right foot. I have to really concentrate on NOT itching it b/c I'll start out scratching and end up dragging the top of my foot across the living room carpet. A rug burn on top of the lesion is not a good combination. It's easier when I keep my mind and body occupied and distracted so it's a good thing I had little kids ringing my doorbell for two hours begging for candy. The twin, 2-year-old vampires were definitely the cutest. I must've really looked a sight after Zumba b/c all they could do was stare at me.....they didn't even notice the candy. Maybe they were sizing me up for a midnight snack. I have a few random lesions on my calves and thighs, but I think I'm on the downhill-side of this outbreak. I have to quadruple my efforts for keeping a healthy immune system.
Sunday, October 30, 2011
Day 50 -- An Entourage of Leaves
An entourage of leaves herald us up the street.
They scratch and screech
To let the moon know we are arriving
Since no one is out driving.
The street lamp halos the yellow Birch leaves,
And makes me believe
I'm the royal dog-walker shuffling through fallen stipules
To create a pathway for her four-legged Highness who makes the rules.
They scratch and screech
To let the moon know we are arriving
Since no one is out driving.
The street lamp halos the yellow Birch leaves,
And makes me believe
I'm the royal dog-walker shuffling through fallen stipules
To create a pathway for her four-legged Highness who makes the rules.
Saturday, October 29, 2011
Day 49 -- I'm somebody
My new phone is here. My new phone is here. I'm somebody. Okay, if you haven't seen The Jerk, that won't be as funny. I wouldn't say that I've felt like nobody these last two weeks w/o a reliable cell phone, but it has certainly dampened my sense of self. I have now bought into the idea that I have to be completely accessible and able to contact anyone, anytime by talking, texting, or emailing. How incredible to measure importance by the numbers of contacts and messages and calls, but checking an empty cell phone and not having a way to respond to the few that make it through is disheartening. But now I have a Smart Phone so I'm somebody w/ a 3G processor.....I'm guessing that's a good thing.
Friday, October 28, 2011
Day 48--Holy Istic, Batman
I had my yearly checkup w/ my nephrologist this morning to talk about my hypertension and medication. I don't know what possessed me to schedule the appointment for 8:30 when I have a 9:00 class....thought for sure my blood pressure would be through the roof, especially since it has been for the last couple of months. But today it was normal.....well, normal for me (152/86). As w/ each doctor I revisit, I told him what was new w/ my health. I told him about the sinus and ear infections and outbreak of erythema multiforme along w/ the B-cell lymphoma. His response was, "Your immune system is shot." Thank you, Captain Obvious!! Then he proceeded to tell me how he's pursuing credentials in holistic health and how I should be getting to the root cause rather than treating all these various problems in different parts of my body. He used the analogy of a plant who is mostly healthy but might have two brown leaves on completely different stems. Modern medicine paints the leaves green rather than trying to figure out what the plant is being fed through the soil that might cause the sick leaves. It was a good analogy, but I really understood w/o it, and by now I was running dangerously close to being late for class. He did make a very good point when saying that Western medicine should be called alternative since most everything our healthcare providers provide is foreign to our bodies. Our bodies are perfectly capable of healing themselves, given the proper environment, which is the way I think God intended it. I would also like to get at the root of my immune deficiencies in a holistic manner.
This doctor's appointment was very ironic. Three or four years ago, I had asked this same doctor if we could try some alternative ways to treat my blood pressure, and he responded, "Why would you want to change something that's working?" Now when he's finally onboard to my idea of exploring options, I had no time to talk.
This doctor's appointment was very ironic. Three or four years ago, I had asked this same doctor if we could try some alternative ways to treat my blood pressure, and he responded, "Why would you want to change something that's working?" Now when he's finally onboard to my idea of exploring options, I had no time to talk.
Thursday, October 27, 2011
Day 47 -- Productive Insomnia
I'm keeping tonight's post short since I'm operating on about two hours sleep in the last 48. I don't know if it's the sinus medicine or not being able to turn off my brain, but I gave up the battle about 3:00 this morning. For the next three hours I did four loads of laundry, emptied the dishwasher, mopped the kitchen floor, cleaned one of the bathrooms, and fixed one of the kitchen chairs. So although I didn't have productive sleep, I was very productive in my wakefulness. No more lesions have appeared on my right hand, but I have one on my left hand and one on my left, upper arm. I know in the past these outbreaks have given me bouts of insomnia. Whatever the cause, I'm exhausted. Good night.
Wednesday, October 26, 2011
Day 46 -- Canker Sores on Steroids
Seventeen days ago I talked about the achiness that used to precede an outbreak of the erythema multiforme. Well, I called it......about three days ago lesions began forming on the inside of my mouth that feel like canker sores on steroids. I also now have five spots on my right hand.....that would be the pseudo-stigmata. There aren't any lymph nodes in these parts of the body so maybe there isn't a connection b/w this and the lymphoma. I know my body. I just wish I knew how to prevent the outbreaks. It could still be the deep-tissue massage that brought all these toxins to the surface. I gotta stop analyzing everything and just go w/ it. Excessive stress is the last thing I need right now. It's a good thing my older daughter is studying to be a psychologist............she can keep me from going crazy. I'm going to encourage my younger daughter to go into medical research............she can cure me.
Tuesday, October 25, 2011
Day 45 --
I didn't sleep well last night b/c the steroid nasal spray made me jittery, and the antibiotic upset my stomach. So I decided to stay home from work today to get some rest. Good call on my part. The achiness I've been feeling for the last few weeks is finally dissipating. The only aches I'm feeling today are in my forearms from playing Foosball and ping pong Sunday night at the Youth Center.
Monday, October 24, 2011
Day 44 -- Piece of Work
I love it when a crappy morning turns into a glorious day. And a glorious day turns into a spectacular night for tennis. Probably our last night of tennis for 2011. I made the amethyst sunset burn itself into my memory, along w/ a few of Lisa's wicked serves. Walking the dog afterward, I was in awe. It's a good plan to have the trees turn at different times.....allows us to enjoy different colors at different times. Allows us to get more exercise raking and mulching leaves. What fun would it be if everything changed and fell at once!
Well, my crappy morning was due in large part to Verizon, but this too has passed, and I think I'm on the happier side of a new contract and phone. My checkbook will be on the angrier side next month. I went to the GP today; my achiness drove me to it. I saw one of the new clinic doctors, and, like most other doctors, he was amazed to learn about all my health issues. It's nice to know that at 47 I can still shock and amaze. Of course, he might've been the most shocked when, upon asking to examine the lymph nodes under my arms, I just took off my blouse w/o waiting for a gown or his exit. Good news......no abnormal swelling due to the lymphoma. Bad news......I made the new, young doctor blush. Having had every part of my body examined, tested, or put under the knife, I have no humility left. Yet it's interesting........I wasn't embarrassed to strip off my blouse in front of the doctor, but the People magazine I was reading when he entered the exam room got dropped under my chair face-down. I was too embarrassed for him to know I was reading such fluff and fodder. Am I a piece-of-work, or what.
Oh, btw.....I just have a sinus infection and ear infection. Wow! A normal illness for once. I'm so happy....like I said, a glorious ending to a crappy morning.
Well, my crappy morning was due in large part to Verizon, but this too has passed, and I think I'm on the happier side of a new contract and phone. My checkbook will be on the angrier side next month. I went to the GP today; my achiness drove me to it. I saw one of the new clinic doctors, and, like most other doctors, he was amazed to learn about all my health issues. It's nice to know that at 47 I can still shock and amaze. Of course, he might've been the most shocked when, upon asking to examine the lymph nodes under my arms, I just took off my blouse w/o waiting for a gown or his exit. Good news......no abnormal swelling due to the lymphoma. Bad news......I made the new, young doctor blush. Having had every part of my body examined, tested, or put under the knife, I have no humility left. Yet it's interesting........I wasn't embarrassed to strip off my blouse in front of the doctor, but the People magazine I was reading when he entered the exam room got dropped under my chair face-down. I was too embarrassed for him to know I was reading such fluff and fodder. Am I a piece-of-work, or what.
Oh, btw.....I just have a sinus infection and ear infection. Wow! A normal illness for once. I'm so happy....like I said, a glorious ending to a crappy morning.
Sunday, October 23, 2011
Day 43 -- Organized Religion from Chaos
The message in church this morning was about each person being an important part in the body of the church. My younger daughter has been attending a Baptist church for the last couple of years so, and I've been joining her the last few months. She's also tried out the Catholic, Methodist, and Presbyterian churches. These have been her choices, and I've encouraged her to experiment. I haven't actually been a member of a church in almost 30 years b/c I think it's more important to have a personal relationship w/ your God than a group membership at an elitist club. I believe organized religion has done some wonderful things over the centuries, but I believe it has probably done more harm than good by trying to force others to believe in a certain god in a certain way. If we all just tried to like each other and help each other and do good things w/ our lives then we have lived up to the honor of being created in the image of God.
I wish there could be just one religion in the world. I don't understand why there have to be Baptists and Methodists and Lutherans and Catholics and Buddhists and Jews and Muslims. We're all humans with the same basic goal.....eternal life w/ our Creator. I think it's quite "theiscentric" (just made that word up) to think that one religion or denomination has a corner on the afterlife or even the best rules for this life. I'd like to try out all faiths before I die. So far I've....
....been confirmed in the Presbyterian Church, graduated from a Lutheran college, played piano for a Disciples of Christ Christian Church, taught at a Quaker school, attended services at Catholic, Methodist, Unitarian/Universalist, and Baptist churches, and volunteer at the Calvary Gospel Assembly's youth center. Just how many religions are there in the world???
People tend to go to religion in times of crisis......crisis like cancer. Maybe that's why I've spent my life experimenting w/ different faiths b/c cancer has been a part of my life since I was four. Haven't tried a faith healer yet. I did play piano at a Baptist Revival in Texas once. No snakes were involved.
I wish there could be just one religion in the world. I don't understand why there have to be Baptists and Methodists and Lutherans and Catholics and Buddhists and Jews and Muslims. We're all humans with the same basic goal.....eternal life w/ our Creator. I think it's quite "theiscentric" (just made that word up) to think that one religion or denomination has a corner on the afterlife or even the best rules for this life. I'd like to try out all faiths before I die. So far I've....
....been confirmed in the Presbyterian Church, graduated from a Lutheran college, played piano for a Disciples of Christ Christian Church, taught at a Quaker school, attended services at Catholic, Methodist, Unitarian/Universalist, and Baptist churches, and volunteer at the Calvary Gospel Assembly's youth center. Just how many religions are there in the world???
People tend to go to religion in times of crisis......crisis like cancer. Maybe that's why I've spent my life experimenting w/ different faiths b/c cancer has been a part of my life since I was four. Haven't tried a faith healer yet. I did play piano at a Baptist Revival in Texas once. No snakes were involved.
Saturday, October 22, 2011
Day 42 -- Imperfections and failures
Why do I always feel like I have to accomplish something w/ each day? I should consider it an accomplishment just to be alive. That's my rationalization for sleeping most of the day and being a bum for the rest of it. I did read a little, and in the October 2011 issue of The Sun (Issue 430), it excerpted Gandhi's All Men Are Brothers. He said, "My imperfections and failures are as much a blessing from God as my successes and my talents, and I lay them both at His feet." That speaks to me especially today and tells me to not be so hard on myself for taking a day off from activity and productivity. Simply being alive is as much a blessing as accomplishing something w/ that life. Well, I don't fully believe that, but it does make me human and that works for today.
Friday, October 21, 2011
Day 41 -- Common Cold
It's midterm break, and I spent it in my office grading. That's what it's for, right? Actually I appreciate this day for getting caught up and ready to face the second half of the semester.
My Mayo doctor got back to me today...actually it was yesterday, but I just got the message today. Since I can't feel any swollen nodes, either old or new, and I'm not running a fever or losing weight, he's not concerned. I guess I shouldn't be either. He also said that I could see my GP just to double check my nodes and see if maybe I'm coming down w/ the simple, common cold or other infection. I'm not sure I know what it would be like to just have a cold or the flu. Aside from having lymphoma and hypertension, I've actually been quite healthy. I can't remember the last time I stayed home sick. I was down for a couple days after my first biopsy this summer, but I think they nicked a nerve when going in through my back. I also think I overdid it after the biopsy. So it was partly my fault. I still have some of those pain pills. Maybe I'll take one tonight just to get some deep, restorative sleep.
My Mayo doctor got back to me today...actually it was yesterday, but I just got the message today. Since I can't feel any swollen nodes, either old or new, and I'm not running a fever or losing weight, he's not concerned. I guess I shouldn't be either. He also said that I could see my GP just to double check my nodes and see if maybe I'm coming down w/ the simple, common cold or other infection. I'm not sure I know what it would be like to just have a cold or the flu. Aside from having lymphoma and hypertension, I've actually been quite healthy. I can't remember the last time I stayed home sick. I was down for a couple days after my first biopsy this summer, but I think they nicked a nerve when going in through my back. I also think I overdid it after the biopsy. So it was partly my fault. I still have some of those pain pills. Maybe I'll take one tonight just to get some deep, restorative sleep.
Thursday, October 20, 2011
Day 40 -- Tempted, Tested, Tried
The number 40 has Biblical significance. It rained for 40 days. The typical time for embalming was 40 days. Moses stayed on Mount Sinai for 40 days. Jesus was tempted by Satan for 40 days. Jesus stayed w/ his disciples for 40 days after his resurrection. Jonah told Nineveh they had 40 days to repent or they would be overthrown. According to http://www.biblestudy.org/bibleref/meaning-of-numbers-in-bible/40.html, the number 40 appears 146 times in the Bible.....would've been cooler if it was 140. Anytime anyone is tempted, tested, or tried, the number 40 is related, either in days or years. I had my first cancer when I was 40.
I didn't realize that today was my 40th post so I guess it's significant that today was the first time I called my doctor since I last saw him in August. I reached a point last night when I couldn't stand to have my arms touching my sides. The ache stretched from my armpits to my fingertips. I didn't talk w/ the doctor, but the nurse asked me lots of questions. "Have you done any strenuous exercising that could've caused a pulled muscle?" NO. "Have you been running a fever?" NO There is a possibility that the deep-tissue massage I had two days ago may be the culprit. Massages are known for flushing toxins from the body, which is one of the reasons I wanted one. So maybe w/ this 40th post, I can say that my period of testing is over. I hope I passed.
I didn't realize that today was my 40th post so I guess it's significant that today was the first time I called my doctor since I last saw him in August. I reached a point last night when I couldn't stand to have my arms touching my sides. The ache stretched from my armpits to my fingertips. I didn't talk w/ the doctor, but the nurse asked me lots of questions. "Have you done any strenuous exercising that could've caused a pulled muscle?" NO. "Have you been running a fever?" NO There is a possibility that the deep-tissue massage I had two days ago may be the culprit. Massages are known for flushing toxins from the body, which is one of the reasons I wanted one. So maybe w/ this 40th post, I can say that my period of testing is over. I hope I passed.
Wednesday, October 19, 2011
Day 39 -- Cell Phone Freak-Out
I hate cell phones.........correction.........I hate cell phone companies. The representatives who are supposed to know what they're talking about to help me make a decision about a new phone are complete idiots. Unfotunately I don't realize this until I'm done chatting w/ them online or on the phone. Is there no one who takes pride in knowing how to do her job? It's maddening. How would my students feel if I knew nothing about communication and nothing about how to teach them about communication?
None of this is helped by the fact that the lymph nodes under my arms and by my groin are in complete uproar. I'm back to taking Airborne since both of my daughters are now on antibiotics for sinus infections. I have to be even more diligent about keeping my immune system up. Since the lymph node in my neck is back to normal, I'm assuming my achiness has more to do w/ the cold/flu season than w/ the lymphoma. I wonder if I should get a flu shot. I think I'll drink a DanActive, make some green tea, take some Tylenol, and get ready for bed.
None of this is helped by the fact that the lymph nodes under my arms and by my groin are in complete uproar. I'm back to taking Airborne since both of my daughters are now on antibiotics for sinus infections. I have to be even more diligent about keeping my immune system up. Since the lymph node in my neck is back to normal, I'm assuming my achiness has more to do w/ the cold/flu season than w/ the lymphoma. I wonder if I should get a flu shot. I think I'll drink a DanActive, make some green tea, take some Tylenol, and get ready for bed.
Tuesday, October 18, 2011
Day 38 -- Silly Thoughts During a Massage
I pampered myself today and got a massage. I had the massage therapist just focus on my neck and shoulders since that's where I carry most of my stress. She told me to tell her if she was applying too much pressure....it was close a few times, but I really wanted a deep tissue massage so I sucked it up. At the beginning of the massage, I was thinking such silly thoughts while she was working on my neck. Thoughts like, "Is it possible for her to dislodge the stainless steel coil implanted in my brain stem b/c of the aneurysm?" I quickly pushed that thought aside and let her cradle my neck. When she got to my arms, I wondered, "Is is possible for her to irritate the cancerous lymph nodes?" I immediately dismissed that thought and melted into her touch. Then I thought about the workshop I'm going to conduct w/ the massage therapy students in a couple of weeks. "Can I deduct today's massage as work-related research?" Finally, as my muscles unraveled, my brain followed suit. I think I may have snored at one point. I have another massage in two weeks. I hope I can find the off-switch to my brain before then.
Monday, October 17, 2011
Day 37 -- Thoughts to the Universe
All I need is....
A comfy place to sit, a light by which to read,
And if I have nothing to read,
I'll write something with pen and paper.
And if I have no paper,
I'll tell someone my story,
And if no one stops to hear that story
I'll compose my inner thoughts
And throw them to the universe.
If no thoughts come
I'll just blog!!!
This poem kinda reflects that I don't have anything significant to say tonight aside from....I'm feeling strong. I taught three classes, helped my younger daughter fundraise, fixed dinner, and played tennis. The lymph node under my left arm aches occasionally, but it's not constant like it has been. I'm taking only about four Airborne chewables a day, and I've stopped taking the Aspirin. I never called my doctor. Pfffttttttt (That's my written version of a raspberry.).
A comfy place to sit, a light by which to read,
And if I have nothing to read,
I'll write something with pen and paper.
And if I have no paper,
I'll tell someone my story,
And if no one stops to hear that story
I'll compose my inner thoughts
And throw them to the universe.
If no thoughts come
I'll just blog!!!
This poem kinda reflects that I don't have anything significant to say tonight aside from....I'm feeling strong. I taught three classes, helped my younger daughter fundraise, fixed dinner, and played tennis. The lymph node under my left arm aches occasionally, but it's not constant like it has been. I'm taking only about four Airborne chewables a day, and I've stopped taking the Aspirin. I never called my doctor. Pfffttttttt (That's my written version of a raspberry.).
Sunday, October 16, 2011
Day 36 -- Home
When I go home to my hometown, I say, "I'm going home." Now that I'm back in my own home, I say, "I'm home." When we die, we hope to go home to be w/ our Creator. If "home is where the heart is," or "whereever you hang your hat" then I guess I have a lot of homes. I'm very blessed......I'd be even more blessed if each home came w/ a housekeeper.
Day 35 -- Busy Day
The map I drew yesterday was a huge success for their travels today. Despite all their teasing, they found my map to be very helpful.....so much so that my daughter wanted to keep it to show how much her mother loves her.
After balancing Dad's checkbook, doing some cleaning and laundry, and going shopping w/ my girls, I'm exhausted. It's 8:30, and I'm headed to bed.
After balancing Dad's checkbook, doing some cleaning and laundry, and going shopping w/ my girls, I'm exhausted. It's 8:30, and I'm headed to bed.
Day 34 -- Road Map
(Note: The next three entries are all written on Sunday, 16 October b/c I was at my dad's for day 34 and 35, and he has no Internet.)
My daughters and I and one of their boyfriends are at my dad's this weekend. We drove two separate vehicles so my younger daughter and her boyfriend could go to the funeral of their youth leader. Since the funeral is about an hour and a half from my dad's, I drew them a map.....a three page map that included both highways, towns, arrows for proper direction, and then written driving directions. They laughed at me for making such an elaborate map, but I feel much better sending a 15- and 16-year-old out on the open road w/ a detailed, Mom-map. Makes me think that I should be leaving other maps and instructions for their future trips through life in case I'm not around personally.
My daughters and I and one of their boyfriends are at my dad's this weekend. We drove two separate vehicles so my younger daughter and her boyfriend could go to the funeral of their youth leader. Since the funeral is about an hour and a half from my dad's, I drew them a map.....a three page map that included both highways, towns, arrows for proper direction, and then written driving directions. They laughed at me for making such an elaborate map, but I feel much better sending a 15- and 16-year-old out on the open road w/ a detailed, Mom-map. Makes me think that I should be leaving other maps and instructions for their future trips through life in case I'm not around personally.
Thursday, October 13, 2011
Day 33 --Jennifer Battan
Just got home from seeing Jennifer Batten in concert. She was Michael Jackson's guitarist for three World Tours and also toured w/ Jeff Beck. She even played w/ Les Paul in his last public performance before he died. This was an amazing, one-woman show featuring her original music in-synch w/ film montages. She's an incredible guitarist w/ a stinging sarcasm that was a delight. After her first set she did a Q/A time. Some woman asked her if she'd ever been married, and she said, "Yea, but I got over that real quick." I was the loudest one applauding. What I appreciated most about this artist is that she has moved forward w/ her music and her talent. She's not relying solely on her fame w/ previous artists. They may have given her her start, but she's still running w/ it 30 years later. And she's evolving, incorporating the latest technologies in her films, music, and guitar. She creates stained glass artwork and has three kilns in her garage. She goes to Tokyo every April to teach music, and right now she's performing in Vegas w/ Cirque du Soleil--Zumanity. Can you tell she really impressed me? Enough that I got her autograph and asked her if she had a roadie. She said she didn't on these solo tours so I asked her if she wanted one. She asked if I was volunteering.....how cool would that be.....I wonder if she has a health plan???
Wednesday, October 12, 2011
Day 32 -- Do Spiders Get Cancer?
This morning I watched a spider lower itself from my kitchen ceiling. (A quick Google search informed me this is called a dragline.) My first thought was, "How does it replenish its thread?" It moved astonishingly fast toward the dog's water dish, and I asked it, "Where are you going?" Just then it flung itself into the water dish. I guess it was thirsty. Maybe that's how it replenishes its thread. I continued emptying the dishwasher, checking on it every once in awhile to see if it was drinking or swimming. After five minutes w/ no movement, I decided this was a suicide spider who had catapulted itself into my dog's dish leaving behind a perfectly good dragline. The aged and infirm in some cultures willingly stay behind to face death alone rather than slow down the progress of the entire culture. Was this an elderly spider who chose to euthanize itself? Or was it creating a rope for other spiders to climb down? I guess that's what the elderly do in any species....leave a dragline. I replenished the dog dish w/ fresh water. Can spiders survive in a sink drain?
My dear brother who reads this blog faithfully is concerned about my achiness. Well, I can tell him that I have no aches today, and, as I told him on the phone, I think the healthy cells have defeated the sick cells. I've talked in previous posts about referring to cancer in terms of battles and wars and the enemy, but I think in my case it's necessary for the standing army to push back the rebel uprising. Do spiders get cancer?
My dear brother who reads this blog faithfully is concerned about my achiness. Well, I can tell him that I have no aches today, and, as I told him on the phone, I think the healthy cells have defeated the sick cells. I've talked in previous posts about referring to cancer in terms of battles and wars and the enemy, but I think in my case it's necessary for the standing army to push back the rebel uprising. Do spiders get cancer?
Tuesday, October 11, 2011
Day 31 -- The Twitch
My left eye has been twitching all day, and it's driving me nuts. It's not doing it as bad now, probably b/c my day is winding down, and I'm not having to read and focus. I thought maybe the twitch is stress-related given I've reached a hectic time in the semester so I made an appointment for a massage. She can't get me in until next week so I have to try other ways to relax. I went to my daughter's volleyball game tonight, and she played well so that started the relaxation process. Then I went to the Coffeehouse at the college and that continued the process. Now I'm home and watching the end of Burlesque. This is one of those movies for me that I just have to watch no matter how far into it it is. Stanley Tucci is an absolute hoot.....he makes me smile in everything he does. I need Zumba classes to start again. My eye is still twitching but not as much so I'm thinking the only thing that will complete the relaxation is to get some sleep.
Monday, October 10, 2011
Day 30 -- A side of cancer for everyone
A young man of 21 died this morning. He collapsed while at work and died of heart failure. He was a student of mine last year, and a youth leader at my daughter's church. I remember him as quiet and gentle. She knew him as loud and playful. I vaguely remember him mentioning in one of his speeches that he had congenital heart disease, but that didn't slow him down. My daughter said he played four-square w/ a vengeance. I hope he was happy w/ the direction his life was taking. I hope he didn't ignore warning signs. I hope the rest of us pay attention. We all face a prognosis of death; it's just a matter of when. Cancer patients have an advantage when told how long they have to live. Time can be cherished. Good-bye's can be made. I think we should all be cancer patients.
Sunday, October 9, 2011
Day 29 -- Longer than I realized
What an amazingly beautiful and productive Autumn day. I actually got everything done on my mental to-do list. After walking the dog at the lakes for an hour, I got groceries, made lunch, and mowed/mulched the backyard. I really got a bug-up-my bum (both literally and figuratively...the flies and no-see-ums were ferocious) and used the air compressor to clean out the HVAC compressor. Loads of laundry were sprinkled in throughout the day. I made dinner...oh, and picked up my older daughter's room since she's been so busy w/ work and school. I'd say my energy level is just fine.
On the physical side, an ache in my upper right thigh has progressively gotten stronger throughout the evening. I didn't notice it during the day, but I've felt this ache before, and it usually proceeds an outbreak of the erythema multiforme. I've dealt w/ these skin lesions for about seven years w/ the first ones appearing shortly after my hysterectomy. After seeing three different dermatologists, who all dubbed the lesions idiopathic, I took matters into my own hands by seeking ways to boost my immune system. That's when I started drinking soy milk and eating more garlic and drinking one DanActive every morning. I haven't had a major outbreak in about three years, and it was over a year since I had one lesion in the palm of my hand. My nephew likes to tease me and call it my stigmata. It may be that the lesions prefaced by the achiness has been the lymphoma all along, and I've been dealing w/ it longer than I realized.
Keeping my immune system healthy continues to be my goal, and I decided to try the immune system booster, Airborne, to see if I notice less achiness. I took one chewable tablet this afternoon. I also decided to start taking an aspirin again each day to regulate my blood pressure. I know, self-medicating is dangerous so I'll call my hematologist tomorrow.
On the physical side, an ache in my upper right thigh has progressively gotten stronger throughout the evening. I didn't notice it during the day, but I've felt this ache before, and it usually proceeds an outbreak of the erythema multiforme. I've dealt w/ these skin lesions for about seven years w/ the first ones appearing shortly after my hysterectomy. After seeing three different dermatologists, who all dubbed the lesions idiopathic, I took matters into my own hands by seeking ways to boost my immune system. That's when I started drinking soy milk and eating more garlic and drinking one DanActive every morning. I haven't had a major outbreak in about three years, and it was over a year since I had one lesion in the palm of my hand. My nephew likes to tease me and call it my stigmata. It may be that the lesions prefaced by the achiness has been the lymphoma all along, and I've been dealing w/ it longer than I realized.
Keeping my immune system healthy continues to be my goal, and I decided to try the immune system booster, Airborne, to see if I notice less achiness. I took one chewable tablet this afternoon. I also decided to start taking an aspirin again each day to regulate my blood pressure. I know, self-medicating is dangerous so I'll call my hematologist tomorrow.
Saturday, October 8, 2011
Day 28 -- One more thing about last night...
One more thing about working in the concession stand last night......I told a friend about my lymphoma. Looking back at it now, it seems quite surreal. I'm standing behind the counter clasping her outstretched arms on the counter. People are standing all around us, yet all the noise from the other workers and customers and the announcer fade into the background. All that exists is me telling this woman who lost her husband to cancer and her daughter to a car accident within three months of each other. Her husband worked at the college w/ me so I knew she would understand, and I knew I had to tell her. I told her everything w/ a smile on my face, and she said, "You're really taking this well." I should've told her that being around people helps, but then I'm sure she already knows that.
I drove two hours to watch my younger daughter compete in the state marching band contest today. Driving down by myself, I felt rather punk w/ the lymph nodes in my arms, legs, and neck being riotous. I tried very hard to focus on my breathing. I've noticed that when I fully inflate my lungs w/ deep, purifying breaths, the achiness fades. My guess is that the breathing slows my heart rate, which lowers my blood pressure (which has been quite high lately), which makes me feel less stressed, which then eases the lymph nodes. I'm trying to keep my life as stress-free as possible, but it's not easy w/ two, active teenage daughters, an aging, widower father, and 110, panic-stricken college freshmen and sophomores. Oh, and let's not forget an ex-husband who says he's still in-love w/ me and that I can't try to talk to him anymore b/c it only confuses him. So, to my daughters who may someday read this.....the divorce may have been my idea, but him cutting off all communication w/ me is his idea. Even now while writing this, my neck is starting to hurt again, and it was feeling so much better after my daughter and two of her band friends rode home w/ me. This proves yet again that being around people kept my mind occupied, my heart pacified, and the pain nullified.
I drove two hours to watch my younger daughter compete in the state marching band contest today. Driving down by myself, I felt rather punk w/ the lymph nodes in my arms, legs, and neck being riotous. I tried very hard to focus on my breathing. I've noticed that when I fully inflate my lungs w/ deep, purifying breaths, the achiness fades. My guess is that the breathing slows my heart rate, which lowers my blood pressure (which has been quite high lately), which makes me feel less stressed, which then eases the lymph nodes. I'm trying to keep my life as stress-free as possible, but it's not easy w/ two, active teenage daughters, an aging, widower father, and 110, panic-stricken college freshmen and sophomores. Oh, and let's not forget an ex-husband who says he's still in-love w/ me and that I can't try to talk to him anymore b/c it only confuses him. So, to my daughters who may someday read this.....the divorce may have been my idea, but him cutting off all communication w/ me is his idea. Even now while writing this, my neck is starting to hurt again, and it was feeling so much better after my daughter and two of her band friends rode home w/ me. This proves yet again that being around people kept my mind occupied, my heart pacified, and the pain nullified.
Friday, October 7, 2011
Day 27 -- The Proof is in the People
One of the joys of being the parent of an athlete is working in the concession stand at sporting events. Tonight the softball team was responsible for the concessions at the football game. Yes, I could've spent the evening drinking wine w/ colleagues, but working concessions had its benefits. I got to joke around w/ people, telling a kid when he bought ten lollipops, "I'm gonna need to see some I.D. for those." It's been a long week, and although I'm very tired, working with other parents and student/athletes for 2 1/2 hours brightened my mood and lifted my energy. The proof is in the people. Being social forces us to focus on others more than ourselves. I had some achy nodes during the day today, but tonight they're fine.
Thursday, October 6, 2011
Day 26 -- Poetry Reading
I went to a poetry reading tonight at the Pearson Lakes Art Center. Anyone who has a love for writing, reading, or listening to poetry can attend. We had a group of nine tonight........yea, obviously poetry still hasn't gained much in "pop"ularity. I read my poem, The Hike that I posted here a few days ago, and I also read The Tulip that I wrote this past summer, which I'll include at the end of this post. I then worked up the courage to read Breaking Point, which I also posted in this blog about 10 days ago. I was doing okay reading it until I got to the very last line, "Away from the breaking point," and I broke. It wasn't a complete breakdown, but enough to spark compassion in my audience, which then led to more tears. Guess I'm not ready to hit the road as a motivational speaker. This is why I'm trying harder to poke fun at cancer rather than empower it by being serious. My tears were not for naught. The poem did inspire one woman to ask if she could bring it home to her husband who has MS. My definition of an activist is anyone who makes a difference, one person at a time.
My throat and ears have been hurting, and my left armpit lymph node is rearing its ugly head again. Not feeling well certainly makes a person more vulnerable. Is it wrong to wish for something simple like a cold?
Here's the other poem I read tonight:
Why does she keep cutting me down?
Every time I push my way through all the crap, she’s right there to mow me over.
That’s it.
I’ve had enough.
I’m not going to do it anymore.
I don’t need this shit.
I was just trying to liven-up the landscape with some color, to be that splash of yellow in a sea of green. I don’t think she understands what I go through.
Waiting and waiting.
For months and months, I wait until all the elements are in place for me to make an appearance.
I don’t push through with a huge fanfare and a loud “Ta-dah!”
I just inch my way up and out.
Then as soon as I start budding, she’s there, racing and roaring, sucking me up and spitting me out.
I just can’t do it anymore.
It’s too hard.
I don’t think I have it in me to keep trying.
I’ll retreat within, like always.
I have no choice.
I’ll wait, and I’ll hope, and I’ll plan that next time it will be different.
Next time she’ll let me be.
Next time she’ll let me do what I was destined.
My throat and ears have been hurting, and my left armpit lymph node is rearing its ugly head again. Not feeling well certainly makes a person more vulnerable. Is it wrong to wish for something simple like a cold?
Here's the other poem I read tonight:
The Tulip
Why does she keep cutting me down?
Every time I push my way through all the crap, she’s right there to mow me over.
That’s it.
I’ve had enough.
I’m not going to do it anymore.
I don’t need this shit.
I was just trying to liven-up the landscape with some color, to be that splash of yellow in a sea of green. I don’t think she understands what I go through.
Waiting and waiting.
For months and months, I wait until all the elements are in place for me to make an appearance.
I don’t push through with a huge fanfare and a loud “Ta-dah!”
I just inch my way up and out.
Then as soon as I start budding, she’s there, racing and roaring, sucking me up and spitting me out.
I just can’t do it anymore.
It’s too hard.
I don’t think I have it in me to keep trying.
I’ll retreat within, like always.
I have no choice.
I’ll wait, and I’ll hope, and I’ll plan that next time it will be different.
Next time she’ll let me be.
Next time she’ll let me do what I was destined.
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